Rockem Sockem

We are hitting up some Golf on Shaolin, ENTER THE WU!! to keep the 7 Samurai theme alive, Rockem Golfem Bitches (Special Thanks to Mark Squared for helping fill in for the Rockem No Shows):

After this was Captain and Cokes, Onion Breath and Nonsense…more pics may turn up, but now onto the Midseason review:

Mid Season Review

Guess it could be called the 1st Half Review or the Second half pre view, but lets cut all prefixes out of the equation…how does that sound? Let’s REVIEW this bitch the way that I did last year, by picking each teams player that best exlempifies the squad he or she plays on, aka M(ost) S(ymbolic) P(layer). We can debate this on the golf course the 26th at out mid-season Golf Outing…Not a bad one, but I still think a trip to Mexico should happen next year for the midseason party….So here you go:

In Draft order:
C-Town Highpockets, MSP- Vlad Guerrero
(5th Place as 7-7-08)
Tough Call on this one between Vladdy and Lackey for the HighPockets MSP, and there is a reason for it, both started out terrible, the difference being one was hurt and one was just slumping. In looking back to last year, BK started off slow as well, with Berkman gaining the MSP at the break (bet you would give your right nut for him now huh?). So I am thinking that BK is just like my first girlfriend…a slow starter. But once they both get in gear they turn into total whores. For Vlad and BK that is a good thing, for the ex girl I guess as well….Enjoy your kids and your failing Marriage BITCH!!! Predicted Vlad to do well as he consistently always does, and right now he is the top 100 ranked players and moving up, BK just behind the leaders and moving up, Predicted him to eat for free, so no reason now to doubt it…but Dempster? Really?

Italian Stallions, MSP- Kosuke Fukudome
(3rd place as of 7-7-08)
Perhaps the easiest of this list, Vig had a stellar team from the beginning but was suffering from post draft hangover, and who didn’t. It spread to his squad as well, sucking it up along the muck and the mire at the bottom of this god forsaken league. Kind of the same way Cubs fans sucked it up with this shirt:

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Racial-stereotypes-alive-and-not-so-well-in-Wrig?urn=mlb,77618

Ahh Gracious Midwest racism at it’s finest…but no, really, they are good people right??? FUCK’EM and fuck Vig for proving me right…his team is a keeper and so is the All-Star Fukudome. It sure is fun to type that, but not nearly as fun to say…go ahead scream it out, no one will care. Could see the big Italian eating for free this year along with his pet Nip…WHAT!?!!?

Patrick Swayze, MSP- JJ Putz
(11th Place as of 7-7-08)
Again this was a tough one to pick out, Carlos “Underwhelming” Pena was in the running right ‘til the very end when he has gotten smoking hot off the DL, while Don’s team has gone cold as of late. So the Putzer grabs the hardware, a dreadful season marred by injury and straight up inconsistency, the stuff is there, but he can’t put it together and in the end all we are left with is a losing squad. Patrick himself at this point seems to have a greater will to live then this team. If there is one thing we can all agree upon, even though we may not agree on anything else ever, it is that Putz, and McNally just sound right together. ‘Nuff Said.

Dogzilla. MSP- Mike Mussina
(6th Place as of 7-7-08)
Dogzilla has been riding a roller coaster this year, and perhaps Mussina isn’t the best MSP (Connor Jackson and Randy Winn were both considered and EXPELLED WITH FURY) but I looked for one thing in particular. Who was a player who came into this season with low to zero expectations and has very nicely over achieved. Moose fit the bill, and that is the same way I see Fatty, a crafty veteran who has never reached a personal milestone (Eat for free in Fatone’s case or 20 wins in a season in Mussina’s case) and is having a year where those milestones just may be in reach if the stars align. I don’t think either will get there (Ouch kick in the old yam bag from the commish, it has to happen now right??!) but it could happen, a mid table respectable finish for both seems to be the prognosis, but then again, I think I bet him a trip to Puerto Rico that I could beat him, so I am obviously delusional.

Zedemore’s Poles, MSP- Torii Hunter
(7th Place as of 7-7-08)
2 fucking I’s? That grown MAN has two I’s ending his name? Why has no one told me this before…what a douche. Anyway, Hunter win’s this award for the Poles as the previously good player on the team who is under performing this year and flat out biting cock, just like the Poles as a whole. I mean after the draft no one expected this squad to do anything…in fact…if I can quote a genius (not Poffo, put it back in your pants Bull), “say not much jumps out at you past Reyes. And when I say not much, that could even be an over statement.” Then again Jeffe has weaseled some points out of this group, but Hunter who is not playing poorly (ranked 145th), just poorly enough to piss people off (pre rank of 56) He is a consistent high performing OF who was monster dump rallied into the best situation of his career and yet still not producing up to standards. Hmm Not producing up to standards? Sounds like The Poles, all though I gotta admit; I will be impressed if he finishes top 6, even more impressed if Toriiiiiiii drops an I.

Marlyin Morneau, MSP- Billy Wagner
(4th Place as of 7-7-08)
This one turned out to be the toughest, he just didn’t have many players who fit symbolically, Utley was great from the get up and go. Sheets and Halladay are having career years (something the 4th place MM’s aren’t) as are Nady and Reynolds on the other side of the dugout. Mike’s Staff is always fierce, as it is again, and this year some surprises (Longoria this good out of the gate?) have pushed up the O to fighting weight. Wagner gets the nod because something seems to not be clicking perfectly for the MM’s and a 4th place final finish I think would be a disappointment for this team (who I predicted to win it) Wagner has had a lights out season EXCEPT for one week that may have ultimately done in his manager and he almost blew the biggest game of the year in a town he is HATED on JD Drew levels in last night. Then again he is an all-star and Mike is in 4th, nothing to sneeze at, but the screws need to be tightened. Or Loosened so I can win this bet (another) I don’t remember making.

King DL Daddies, MSP- Troy Tulowitzski
(10th Place as of 7-7-08)
Where to begin??? You guys don’t want to hear it so I will keep this brief, TT boy is my MSP because well….he sucked to start the season, hurt his quad and was out for 50 games…came back and sucked even harder, then when his manager told him he sucked and pulled him from a game. T’ski got all prissy pissy, slamming a bat and shattering it (showing more power in the clubhouse hallway then on the diamond I might add) requiring 16 stitches in his hand and another extended DL stint.

Yup, Perfect representation of this bunch of constantly injured (lost count after 12 players hit the DL while on my squad) underachievers. Then again I could have picked Rollins, Granderson (both out a month) Ortiz, Zimmerman (Both out a month + and still riding the pine strong) Gagne or Jenks (Injured and sucked, About to hit DL…) But the King of the Troy-ilet wins the prize.

The Bleeding Asses, MSP- Matt Holliday
(2nd Place as of 7-7-08)
Another Rockie wins the MSP award, but for completely different reasons. Bull is non-stop-at-the-top of his game and this season has been no exception. Holliday has proved himself an All-star and is currently in the midst of a 20+ game hit streak. Bull likes cherry flavored cool whip covering the nuts he licks…off of his sundaes, Holliday tapes back his package and puts on Cherry smelling perfume when he poses as a Tranny trying to pick up vagrants in Lo-Do. Both love the color Purple, the play, the movie and the shade. Bull is within striking distance of first place and Holliday is within striking distance of a fat new contract (for the Yankees?!?!) both got a lot going for them…which is nice.


Torre A New One, MSP- Javier Vasquez
(9th Place as of 7-7-08)
Remember last year? Things were perfect, there was no war, no pollution, you were in love and about to be happily married, oh yeah and you were running away with Rockem Sockem….My how the times have changed. The world is about to end, married life is a drag when you see all these young skirts swish by, and Tom is beating you in Rockem Sockem. Sorry Birdie, that is a kick in the Junk. Then again maybe your smoke blew out of town and the mirrors you used all shattered, because your team has come back to earth after last seasons magic show. Kinda like Javy Vas, last year his team stunk, but he was a house of fire with a killer first half low ERA and half his teams wins…now he is struggling with a 4 and half era, More hits then innings pitched and thus a stinky fish flavored Whip.

Both are regressing a little bit. Both have the tools to turn things around and both have shoulders that can fire rockets…but both are spotty, could use a rest and most importantly both look like Tony Hawk’s…ASS at the moment.


Bourne in the USA, MSP- CC Sabathia
(8th Place as of 7-7-08)
Another Pitcher getting the trophy…woah woah slow down gallagalicous, not the Rockem Sockem Trophy, but the MSP award goes to Hey there CC don’t eat it, it isn’t a Big Mac, or maybe more timely it isn’t a Brat, or 40 brats. Sabathia has had a roller coaster ride, starting out fat as hell and getting shellacked like that place in Puerto Rico we use to Bomb…or still do, who cares…PAY SOME TAXES PR AND THEN WE WILL TALK!!! Where was I? Tom’s skinny, CC’s fat, but other then that they are twins, in a Devito/Ahhrnold kinda way.

http://www.dreamagic.com/vivianrose/twins.gif

(if I had any sort of Photoshop skills those faces would be different, but alas) HeyNow both are skilled and can wheel and deal, CC got traded to Laverne and Shirley town and Tom got the Puj Puj for a second half run…hmm I smell comeback for both…and a feast of fat girls for CC in ‘Walkeee. Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat! (hey VB’ers what was the name of that Stripclub/House that we all ended up at during Nationals?)


Ephedraheartstoppers, MSP- Francisco Rodriguez
(1st Place as of 7-7-08)
Moon is a past champion and is bidding to become the first evah 2 time winner of the Eets a Boat. Does anyone really want to see that happen? Don’t answer that, we got enough catfights on the message board. Anyway he has literally been mowing down the competition almost to Birdie proportions for the first half, but has fallen back to the pack lately, probably to be close to the bleeding asses (see this years preview on the Wiki for just how close they are.) K Rod is a past champion winning a world series and being dominate, sure he can act a bit spazzy and like a prick sometimes, but that seems to be in his past and now he is pushing to be the best closer in the game and propel his team to a championship, just like Moon, well at least the spazzy and dick part. BOOSH!

Spearmint Rhino’s, MSP- Kirby Puckett
(12th Place as of 7-7-08)
Because they are both Dead.

And Wife Beaters…