Rockem Sockem

When you're lost in the rain in Juarez
And it's Eastertime too…


Raining and Resurrection dominated last weekend, first pitch on opening day (night) dominate the next. LORD JESUS BLESS AMERICA, BASEBALL’S BACK! With Wells facing Unit on Sunday night the season of Our Lord Ol’ Dirty Gets under way, MLB 2005 and Rockem Sockem 2005, year 4 of our Greatness.

What a country! What a pitcher that Hudson is, What a slugger that Helton is, What a swollen cranium that Bond’s is/are/was.

Baseball’s back, and no matter what is going on in hedonistic countries around the globe, be it war, quake’s or forced female castration…things are ok here. Cause Baseball’s back.

(Commish’s note: I am writing this paragraph/note after doing this complete preview of all the teams, I think it is safe to say that we have gotten to the point in this league where any team can win it. I am serious, I had a hard time writing these previews, because I really don’t see much of a difference with the team I picked to come in first and the team I picked to come in last. Once injuries play their role, forget about it. I want each of you to pat yourselves on the back, for a great draft. Now stop that patting, because we are in for a real nail bitter of a season. Good Luck to all and see you all at the All-Star break party where one lucky man drinks for free.)


On to the previews in no particular order:

Dogzilla-
Fatty sat in the corner during the draft, and seemed to be half asleep, was it the late night before, or was it part of his playing Opossum? I am not sure what the deal was but any time I can write the grammatically obscure Opossum in a sentence I will take it. Will his end be the road? Or a free ride on that sushi boat? Let’s take a look at this years Dogzilla’s.

Fatone targeted some of the most consistent producers with the bat over the last few years in the early rounds grabbing Helton, Abreu, Assreamus, and Boone (who on a steroid free year still hit 24 dongs). He also got some mid picks that could really flash up major stats with Vernon Wells, the Jones’s and Alou, all though that Alou pick looked better when Bonds wasn’t crying like a women in front of his son. What a pathetic display that was…Oh I forgot he has no balls any more. Bonds the gelding. Sorry back to Dogzilla, If only half of his question marks come thru, Burrell and say Wells, Fatty could be looking at the top of the chart power numbers, which really stacks up well for ‘zilla on the offensive side of the spectrum, unfortunately targeting all these bats leave’s his staff with a bit to be desired. When I say a bit I mean he has the 2nd worst staff in the league….

His plan of targeting old pitchers who use too or still play for the Yankees was admirable, but I mean come on, I can’t understand how Louisiana Lighting was so dominant in 78, you really think he can throw a complete game in 05? Oh wait my mistake you picked Andy Petitte another aging ex Yank lefthander…that has no shoulder. Mussina will get his share of wins now being pushed to a #2 or #3 starter, however I am sure, somehow, he’ll match up with Schilling, an Halladay and be out dueled while pitching Jem’s (truly outrageous). Clemens was a solid pick no matter where he went or what he does. Last year proved he could still be dominant. Not so sure about the rest of the pen, Borowski Dempster combo in Chi-town has boozers at Harrey Carey’s shaking, and not from Alcohol withdrawal. These guys serve up more ‘taters then Mickey D’s. Millwood seems like he forgot how to pitch aka he pulled an Ankiel, but if he some how gets it together he will be good…ok average at best. Urbina goes and gets his momma kidnapped. Some son he is, how you think he will be in the ‘zilla clubhouse? I am guessing Clemens Toby Keith Cd’s and Urbina’s Meringue won’t be “Mashed Up” or whatever the kids call it on MTV these days. I think this team is divided, between good bats and weak arms. One thing we know though from past leagues Fatty ain’t afraid to make a trade to reshape his squad, so things could change…but here goes nothing:

Prediction: Dogzilla with all the toppings finishes in the Lower Tier (8-12) in the final standings.

Torre A New One-
The last few years I had put the whammy (aka the Boehmcke) on Birdie’s team, if Memory serves me correctly last year I jumped off the Torre band wagon in the preview…let’s see if I am swimming back aboard or staying LOST on the island with that cute Hobbit boy. (I have no idea what any subliminal or overt thoughts just came out in that run on sentence, but if someone psychoanalyzed that I would be very very afraid.) With the third pick he grabbed the Impaler, and from the first pick it showed the strength of his team, his outfielders. Guerrero, Damon and Drew are Solid producers (assuming Drew wasn’t a fluke last year.) With Crisp for some speed off the pine his outfield can hold there own against the field of RS05. He might need them to do more then that with some question marks in his infield. Will the real Paulie Konerko’s please stand up? Please Stand Up? Is he the 41 Homer machine from last year, or the 18-homer .234 batter from 2 years ago? Will he pull a reverse Saberhagen and be good in Even years and bad in Odd? We shall find out. Durham suffers with the loss of Bonds (Commish Note: All giants suffer with loss of Bonds, in case you didn’t know that.) And he was a bit shaky before that any way. His average should do well with Mora and Overbay, and if Chone is the real deal speed looks to be ok. This lineup doesn’t look to dominate any category, but it is well rounded and should be high/middle of most categories.

Moving to the Pen. Oh man, I am listening to Toot’s and the Maytal’s, great stuff. Any way the Pen…The horse Ben No Sheets went with Torre’s second round pick a pleasant surprise to this humble Commish. He was absolutely lights out last year, and was def overlooked by most people. However he is a smallish dude, and there is always a risk of injury, then again everyone has injury risk, what concerns me more is he plays in Milwaukee. Remember Mil. Birdie? Yeah, neither do I, but I was told it involved Hooters, some kinda quiz game, and Ben Sheets hanging out in the “VIP” room of Banana Joe’s, the greatest club in Mil. I am sure he has all ready been the baby’s daddy to many a snaggled tooth 'walkee chica and that will weigh heavily on his mind as he tries to improve on his meager 12 wins. All right enough Sheets! Nathan and Mesa are the closers, with Nathan being an absolute Machine, and Mesa being solid (backed up with Gonzalez helps in case he slips). Drafting the Braves 3-29 pitchers on their roster is going with good pedigree; great in horse racing we will see if it pays off in Rockem. Garcia and Escobar are the keys to this staff. If both have solid years you will be pleased, if not then you will be forking over loot for dinner. I am thinking one will be a swimming success and one will disappoint, but I am not sure which is who or what or when. Got it?

Prediction: I am guessing that about half of the team performs up to expectations and half doesn’t…slapping you in the middle third of the league (4-8)

A-rod in my Pants
A catchy name by a cheeky lad. By the time Bull reads this he will have all ready read it. The most daring and innovative draft strategy, before Winston set his plan in motion, was unfolded on draft day 05 with Bull taking Johan Santana (A guy named after a side player in the Smurf’s) and Mark Prior (oft injured, but has HUGE Calf’s). These picks reeked of over indulgence and an unhealthy fascination with starting pitching. Then he got a Billy Squire-esque Stroke It of luck, when Papi/Poppi/Fatty fell in his Ballerina lap. Oritz leads the charge with the bats, and lets look at those fella’s shall we? Ortiz leads the way and the rest of the team follows his fat ass. Miggy Cabby Tavy should benefit from an improved lineup in Florida the way that the Facts of Life benefited when Tutti started showing some cleavage. Mass Swinging Mamm’s improvement so to speak. Giles was a great pick in the middle of that infield with J-Ro, and if Mauer the Teen Titan can live up to half of his hype he will be a steal. Some questions with Dallas McPhearson, Nick Swisher, Tokyo Iguchi…I am not going to lie to you, I have not seen any of them play ball, so I can say this with firm conviction: they will stink. There are a lot of questions and a lot of pressure on these rookies. I think the team will really hinge on Sexson though. If he can put together a monster year, Ortiz, Mig, the middle infield and Sexy could lead this team to a free meal. They are a bit thin though and unfortunately if I had to bet one way or another on Big Sexy, I vote against.

As for junk in the trunk of the pen? Santana and Prior. Oh My. The only concern is the fact that Prior might be a hermaphrodite…what is that you say? You didn’t read that in any Post-It note? Cause I know things Fanball wishes they did…like Prior might be growing a “San Diego”, German for “Whale Vagina”, in his spare time. The “minor” injuries took their toll last year, and he has all ready started up again this year. If healthy…blah blah blah. Past the big two he goes with Javier Vas-y who is looking to bounce back and should do so admirably. Grienke and Willis two young kids who, if Prior is hurt, will be asked to do more then they should. However a healthy Prior makes these two VERY good end rotation starters. The bullpen has three guys who could save 30+ or be set up men by July. I just don’t know with BlowJob Ryan, 90 year old Wickman and some guy named Cordero, is he a luchador? His top two might be the best in the league, but I can’t give this the best staff prize…yet. It is a close second.

Prediction: Middle of Pack? I got no idea Bull make some obscure Oriole reference.

Oceans Blyeleven

The defending champ, Mike blacked out on draft day. Lots of whiskey and three slices of pizza over 12 hours will do that to you. Some would say this is a bad thing. Then again your humble Commish has had much worse draft days and has gone on to win and be in the free food, so something’s are better then others, and intoxication amongst friends could be the best of all. Besides cunt of course. While the coach of the O.B’s is criss-crossing the globe, whoring himself out for mass marketer’s world wide, his team will begin it’s season with the Randy Dandy Big Unit leading the way. Hometown boy made good with hometown pick now the only thing from wrecking both Ryniec’s Fantasy and Reality is a 41-year old man’s left arm. It’s the little things…. As for the lineup let’s go to the videotape. If you combine all of his corner infielders you get 5 testicles. Not necessarily a good thing, but hey it could be worse you could get four and two ovaries, like on my fantasy softball squad. I am not quite sure what the lineup is built around, I want to say speed, but the Frenchie and Furcal are really the only two legit bases stealers in the lineup. You can’t say power, as the majority of the dingdongers are going to come from two aging ex steroid boys in the form of the Pizza man and Sosa Pudding. I am going to give the benefit of the doubt and say that the lineup was built around Runs Scored and Average. Get guys on base and let them score, Pierre, Furcal, Eckstein, and perhaps even A. Miles will all be over 100 runs scored giving Mike some flexibility to trade for a power bat if need be down the road. I just don’t see Sosa and Piazza and ol’ one nut supplying the power needed to defend the Rockem Sockem Gold Cup. Off to the Pen!

Johnson and Hudson. These two rival Johan and Prior, and in truth are more proven and in better pitching situations. Both should approach 20 (with Johnson approaching 25) wins and a crap load of K’s, with low ERA’s. No disputing that one. But if you dig a little deeper the bullpen starts to crumble like the inner workings of a wet log. That could be a scat joke, take it for what you will. MMmm I could go for some lunch. The Drunken Burnett should bounce back, but after that it is a bit murky. I don’t like Lieber in Philly got a feeling his era will expand like Kristie Alley’s gut (Commish note, I have never seen this show, and I have no idea why I referenced it. Forgive me). Madrtischgewrjc in Seattle? Man I gotta watch some Mariners games…I know no one on that squad. The Bullpen, with only one legit closer and an oft-injured one at that in Wagner make the end is a bit shaky…JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT!!! YEAH SHAKE THAT END BABY, SHAKE IT!!! Sorry, I am lonely. Will Adams, be John? Or Quincy? A better question might be will he be Kolb or Matt Herges? I seem to be saying this about everyone though; perhaps the lack of closers will make this an interesting league. Perhaps it will make us all go crazy and pull our hair out. Again great top of the rotation but can’t give the nod of best staff to this staff either…eww.

Predication: No Wiener jokes in a preview. I am patting myself on the back, and Mike will finish in the Middle of the pack, I guess (4-8). I got a feeling the Gold Rockem Sockem Cup will be residing somewhere else then in Queens this year or at least not in Mike’s side of the apartment. Hmmm. Am I predicting another Queens RS Champ? Tune in tomorrow and Friday for the 2nd and 3rd sections of the preview.


Zedmore Poles-
Ah Winston Zedmore, our gracious host for the draft. What a maroon. The Kid picked Joe Buck to catch! How can he catch and Announce Cardinals games at the same time?!!? Wait, I might have jumped into this review a bit early, first off the minister of Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich’s is coming off of his most successful Rockem Sockem Season and one in which he held on to third place and got a coveted Eat for Free Slot. Can he go on up and grab the gold chalice of power or will he slide like amoebae sludge back into the wasteland of mediocrity? This would be the time I insert a Deadwood joke, but I ain’t been watching it this season cowboy, so go fuck your self. COCKSUCKER! Let’s get to the team then shall we?

Piggity Pu will anchor the offense and basically produce everyday like a good ho should. Winston looked to build his team from the middle out with strong MI’s including Renteria and Young. Along with Beltre he has the deepest and most well rounded infield, and if Beltre is the real deal this could be huge…because, well, have you seen his outfield? Floyd Cameron and Mondesi. Yikes. Until Berkman comes back that is some iffy ground to be perched on. With Berkman back (probably in time for Floyd to get hurt or Mondesi to quit the team) this will be a much better group, but can the infield carry the outfield until then? Texiara and Wright fortify the corner and my hunch is that with so many good position players Jeff might look to deal one if injuries creep in or production lacks in the outfield. An All-star infield, a second rate outfield, what about the staff?

Oh wait…Jeff didn’t draft one. I guess that is how you have 3 or 4 top 30 batters on your squad. You don’t draft pitching. Armando Benetiz is the Ace of the staff. I should stop here, but I will continue. Clement Colon Wright Bonderman and Westbrook. I def see 1 of these starters having a decent year, maybe two. But that is it, and having 2 great years would be a stroke of luck unseen since the miracle on ice, and we all know hockey is no more. Just to finish this section off you also drafted a guy named Putz. ‘Nuff said. Since I usually give out the best staff award, you get the weakest staff award…wear this strap-on award proudly Winston.

Prediction: I think the team needs to make major moves in the pen, but the offense is an all-star team. I am going middle of the road with Winston, just out of the free eel roll. (4-8)

Beat Gallagher-
The newbie now has one draft under his belt so he goes into 2005 a bit wiser and still better then Eben. McNally also brings something to the table that is unique. Wait, I will think of it…give me a second. Oh forget it, the kid is a drunken thespian/Rock Star who has a day job checking out models while his smart wife supports his ass. Did I mention he was drunk? Not bad for a playa who came in 11th last year, would this years draft treat him better? Would the ghost of that Latino kid from the dodgers whose name shan’t be spoken, rear his ghoulish head forever cursing the Beat Gallagherites? Let’s check out the squad shall we?

The lineup…my first gut reaction is that Popeye’s chicken is really good, I mean even here in Downtown NYC the chicken is constantly cooked, kept fresh and tastes like dynamite. The last time I had Popeye’s before today was when we were actually in NOLA and I ripped the flesh off the bone caveman style and tossed chicken around my hotel room. Today’s sandwich was delicious, I gotta say the Colonel is going down baby, Popeye’s truly is the wave of the future, and that kid Victor Martinez can hit too. He is primed for a big year; along with Chavez and Manny form the core of Don’s squad. I like those three a lot, which is good, because I don’t like much else in the lineup. Utley and or Crosby would be a good MI, but starting both may not work out the best. Casey will be decent and so will Green, but I think one of these two will need a big year to push this team over the top, and I am not so sure either one is up for it. Can Green Bounce back (don’t think so) can Casey improve on last year (doubt it) we shall see. I think the steal of the draft though could be Dickey Hildago, I think that guy will start ripping ropes of jack all around that band box in Texas. Everything’s big in Texas except their baseball stadiums.

In the bullpen Don wanted to grab some quality guys, and in drafting Schilling he did just that. No matter his status to begin the season we all know he is a horse and will be swishing and dishing in the months to come. Will this be the year Wood stays healthy and wins 20 games? Ok, 15? What about Harden is he for real? I would answer No and Yes to those questions, along with Radke Pinero and Benson Don might have the deepest starting pitching group in my onion, now lets look to the closers. Let me rephrase that, Closer. K-Rod is the man, and might be the best closer in the league this year…you heard me, better then Gagne, but I doubt he can do it by his lonesome for the Beat Tom’s Meat. That Madsen kid can pitch, but I think he is about 3rd on the depth chart for closers in Philly, and Yancy Thigpen, I mean what can you say? All right you can say a lot…but this is getting long as is. I will say this; this team intrigues me perhaps more then any other. With a move or two (closer some speed) and some luck with break out years (Utley, Hildago) they could contend for free food.

Prediction- I just think Don has had a lot of good luck all ready, can more shine on him? Sure, just not this year. Lower Third (8-12)

Looks Like Bruschi
Jason Michealanglo Leonardo Rafael Splinter Vigliucci captains a squad named after his fallen look like from New England. The LLB’ers always confound me when it comes to draft strategy. He makes daring picks and focus’s in on certain players, and I usually come away with the same thought, “Man the left coast has poisoned our brothers brain.” But he usually makes adjustments (great games coach that Vig) and manages to be in the middle of the pack. Keyrist last year he was winning Rockem Sockem for the first few months of the season. So again this year’s squad perplexes me. Cue the smooth 70’s funk tunes, I am about to wax this team’s lineup….

Jay jumped on the band wagon of drafting from the inside out, stacking his MI with Tejada, Jeter, and Kent…I guess that’s why Utley is getting the start in McNallyville, all the MI’s are in Cali. His run scored, avg., and Sb’s will benefit from this, but as I scan the squad something certainly jumps out. Jason Giambi is a risk in any league this year, but when he is called upon to be your main power contributor I think something may be skewed. Don’t get me wrong Posada Kent Guillen Patterson and maybe a healthy Kearns or Bradley will put up 20-25, but there is no masher besides Tejada (and that’s if Tejada match’s last years numbers). I would like this team more if there wasn’t a guy with tapeworm, herpes, agent-orange syndrome and a receding gum line anchoring the lineup. That said I think CP will bust out like Tara Reid did at Puffy’s party, deformed nips and all. He can be a five-tool guy, but he also strikes out more then Jay switches jobs. No third baseman at this point ain’t so inspiring either…but I guess that Atkins kid will fill the bill soon enough. Also let’s not forget Ladies Love Bruschi.

Chiggty-Check out the arms, check’em out. Zambrano who I was not sold on last year proved me wrong and really lit up the league, 2.75 ERA, TASTY! For a 2nd starter well…he reached and grabbed Livan which might have been an early jump of the gun (all right not ‘might’, it was) but he is a good pitcher who will put up good numbers, especially if RFK is an East Coast Petco. Morris and Lieter seem to be a bit passed their prime, but they should put up good win totals, and with Horatio and Webb he has two possible sleepers who could become big time players. That is if Webb stops walking every third guy and Ramierz actually stays healthy. I hate saying that, dam it! Next year I won’t say that once in the preview…anyone can get hurt…Jay are you headed back east? Be here for the All-Star party we are throwing? You know you got a place to stay any time you head cityside, provided you bring me a 40oz and some fried pickles. On to the back end, Here are all the closers! Ahh Jay might be the only squad to field 3 legit Closers and this could help him make some trades down the line for power or whatever it is he might need in the future.

Predication- Again stumped by this team, again going on just this team, I am going to say bottom third, but I am not sure.

C-town Highpockets

BK seemed to be changing draft philosophies more often then the Yankees changed managers in the 80’s. Speed/Power, Power/Arm, Closer/Mascot, Sierra Mist Vendor/Ed Hearn. He went Ichiro (speed average runs hopefully) with Schmidt to complete the first 2005 SNAAAAAAAAKE Pick. Try to wrap your simple minds around this: Ichiro batted 702 times and hit .372. Staggering. I think it is a safe bet that if anyone hits .400 in the next 5-10 years it will be Ichiro or Matt Stairs’ Mustachio. BK also subscribed to the, “if at first you don’t succeed draft Carlos Delgado again” theory. I think that was first introduced into parlance by Spinoza but I could be mistaken. To be fair 32 Hr’s 99 RBI’s is not horrible, but that along with .269 was not what Highpockets Kelly had in mind when he came to the squad last year. In a meaty lineup though can Delgado return to top glory? I give it 50/50 odds, but there’s only a 20% chance of that. Gorilla Monsoon Died at Wrestlemania X just wanted to let you know that. Highpockets and Lady’s Loving Bruschi look to have the same dilemma with a lack of a big power punch, all though the pockets might be better suited with Delgado, Lopez and IF Jenkins or Juan Gone is healthy. By the way the Juan Gone pick up could be the best of the year. It also could be an extra DL spot occupied, but I for one love that pick up, no risk and plenty of chances for reward. Nice Work BK that is why you have a gold cup etching and the rest of the league is envious. You wanted a good middle infield and you have three name guys, one two or three of who always seem to disappoint. I think O-Cab and Castillo should put up numbers, I am not so sold on Vidro, but then again I was sold on New Coke and Pepsi Clear. As for the Colonel Sanders see my rant some where on Popeye’s that ninja is set up for a fall.

Won’t you take me too…Funky town!!!!! Since I got nothing funny to say and I actually give an in depth baseball analysis in this paragraph, how about a pleasant memory…LISTENING TO YOU!!! Champagne Guinness and X at seven in the morning in Queens following Hip-Hop Party night. Good fricking times my man, good fricking times. Line up in the Pen for inspection. Schmidt, top of the line ace? Check. Oliver Perez, Great pitcher tons of K’s low era, low wins (unless my sleeper ‘rat’s make a run), Check. Greg Maddux, Veteran 15 wins 150 K’s low whip. Check. Brad Penny, Ace stuff if he can feel his fingers through all the nerve damage. Check. Tommy Glavine Reunited with Maddox, low Era, and low whip, about 15 wins (hopefully). Check. Mariano, 40 saves miniscule whip? Check, Hello Mota, 40 saves, break out closer, Check. Hawkins, Otsuka, MacDougal, three guys with great stuff (Otsuka especially) who could all get saves through out the year? Check. Here you go ladies and gentleman your deepest and best Staff in Rockem Sockem 05.

Predication- I think the High pockets will be in a familiar spot…fighting to get free sushi. Top fourth of the league (1-4)

Ephedra Heartstoppers-

Shouldn’t this team name have evolved into The Flaxseed Oil Head Expanders or something by now? Jay is going to need some cream or clear with crybaby sitting out for an unknown period of time. Of course “unknown” really means until the 'roids flush out of his system. I loved Jay’s draft strategy though, and I would have done the same thing, Bonds backed up by Rolen. Until Rolen’s back goes out he is a Monster Mac. Remember those from McDonalds? Four patty’s of Beef on a Big Mac…man they should bring that back, oh and in a related note the Monster Mash might be the greatest song associated with a holiday ever. Beating Little Drummer Boy, Auld Ang Syne, and Push the Little Daisy’s…You know, for Arbor Day.

Examining the rest of the potent Heartstoppers we look to a diverse bunch…a speedy light hitting outfield (sans bonds) and a power-hitting infield. I think with out bonds though this team will be hurting for dominant power numbers. I am sold on Loretta and Hafner, but I am waiting to see Guillen do it one more year in Det. Boone is a nice grab but over all I think the lineup is lacking punch…but when Bonds comes back…

As for the arms. Oswalt is a nice top of the heap starter but then the flaming heart artists are all middle of the pack and will need some one to step up and grab the reigns and mush the sled to victory. Believe it or not the one I think might actually work out best is Derek Lowe. Now I hate that guy and I am glad he isn’t playing in New York because I think he would crumple like a stripper loaded up on Percosets and Champagne. Buehrle will be consistent and I like him, but Lowe in a pitchers park out of the glaring scrutiny of Boston might actually do well with his bad self. Lidge will rack up the saves the way 50 cent racks up bullet wounds and the Cordero Baez tag team won’t remind anyone of Strike Force, but it should contribute a fair amount to the bottom line gross. Gross. I hate to say that this team truly hinges on Bonds, but this team truly hinges on Bonds.

Prediction: Tough call not knowing when he comes back, but I have a feeling he will be out for a while this year…with that Jay is looking bottom third (8-12), if he is back in June this team could be fighting for free sushi though…just too close to call.

Pine Taaaaaaaars-
With the 5th Pick I think Mr. TG (Tom Gallagher not Transgender…all though we don’t know for certain) was expecting to go his usual route of pitching first all the rest be damned, then ‘Tran happened. Not Trans fat or Trans sexual’s (there it pops up again…eww) but Beltran…and now Tommy is aboard the Bel-Train in real life and in his fantasy life. Looking at the rest of the team will Thomas experience a Rising from last year, or once again be toiling with the Devils and Dust? Let’s find out together shall we?

Beltran is a Lock for 40/40 I mean he is a superstar player, coming into his prime, headed to Flushing…this formula NEVER fails. I actually think he will have an outstanding year, and will make the Taaars giddy with excitement, especially now that Tom is reunited with his Homey Jim Thome. After a brief stay in NOLA Thome is welcomed back to wherever the hell the Pine Taaars play. Also jumping out worth mentioning is Blaylock and Lew Ford, both young good solid players coming into their own. The Taaars lineup though is really banking a lot of their future success on Bounce back years from potentially great players. The list includes Reyes, G.A., Preston, and Mike Sweeney, a good chunk of the starters on this squad. The Law of Syllogism states that If p –> q and q –> r are true conditionals, then p –> r is true. By this logic I am thinking 2 of the 4 bounce backers will probably succeed in bringing massive stats to the Pine Taaars (Early bets are Reyes and GA), but will this be enough to carry them to a free meal?

What do you know, the same trend continues in the pitching realm of the Taaars. Halladay, who has a marble bust erected to him in Taaarville, needs to come back to form, however I hear he is still tired from the 3,749 innings he threw in 2003. Mulder should rack up the wins in St. Louis, but along with Halladay might not have the lowest of era’s and whips. Those two things can be corrected by a good bullpen of Juan Rincon, Percival and Hoffman. Three good back end pitchers, for a back end manager. If Beckett and Brown pitch to form, big if’s, this group could rival the best in the league. Byrd could also get some wins when Brown and Beckett are on the dl. Maroth plays for a fun team and has nice hair. Tommy, like Fatone, is not afraid to wheel and deal. Injuries and slow starts may cause him to pull the trigger to grab some players, but as the season stands now I like tom’s chances, granted everyone needs to play great, but all teams have pretty much the same issue.

Prediction: I think this team could smell the sweet taste of free food, and it will come down to the health of Beckett and Preston…can they play a full season, can tom eek out a free meal? I actually think he may do more then that. Gold Cup? Upper third (1-4)

Spearmint Rhinos-
On draft Day I was bowled over by the Rhino’s…now that could have been the Guinness talking, or it could have been the Spearmint Rhino chip for 20 bucks that Wilson mailed to me the week before to bribe me. I am not sure, but I thought Wilson did a bang up job drafting a squad…now that I am sitting down in a ripped Pluck U T-shirt and listening to Medeski Martin and Wood will the same strong feelings prevail? Will the Wilson hold up?

Well on quick glance it looks like a lot of Yankees are in Vegas hanging at the club, Sheffield is coming off an MVP like year, and also coming off the Juice, Soriano still plays for the Yankees right? I heard he is batting first, so good for him…and good for Soup. His infield is well rounded, no one jumps out as a huge power or SB threat, but they all do it all if ya nah wha I’m sayin?! I for one am high on this Casey Blake cat, I think he could be ready to explode like Mt. Saint Helen’s circa a few weeks ago or was that months? Time sure does crawl when you are waiting for baseball. The outfield in the strip club is kinda old, but all can play. Edmonds especially, he dropped this year in our draft like he does every year and all he does is hit moon shots and light up OPS. I got some reservations about your bench, since you weren’t the most astute game coach during the season last year…yeah yeah elections schmlections…just coach your team.

Staff of lighting! Well probably not, let’s see whom you got. Three starters who need to step it up in real life for their teams, Zito, Pavano and Wells. It looks like Wilson picked Ex-Mr. Alyssa Milano’s, you just know David got with her one time or another…now there is a mental image I could have done with out, my apologies in advance for your poisoned dreams tonight. I don’t like Arroyo; there I said it. The group asked to close things out, Gordon Gagne and Dotel are all proven and will be money in the bank. I especially like the Gordon pick, I got a feeling Torre might give him some games to close this year…just a feeling. Overall the staff doesn’t really get my nips hard as little rocks, but it is solid I guess.

Prediction: Well the post draft glow wore off like my buzz, but they are still a solid team…Better drafting then in years past from the Chief Beef O’Queefe and I would not be surprised to see him make a run some time during the season, but for now I am saying lower end of the pack (8-12)



Wilson will be conducting a special Guest preview for my team. I am sure you are all on the edges of your respective desk chairs waiting to read that literal masterpiece…

As for my 2cents on my team, which is only fair. I got most of the guys I targeted in the draft, but I feel I am really in the same boat as Gallagher. I need bounce back years from guys who have proven it in the past (Nomar, Magglio, Smoltz) and need for 2 of my chronic injury guys to have a good season (Walker, Griffey, Glaus). I feel real good about my squad though from all aspects. Not gonna lie to ya…Think I am eating for free. I just Boehmcked Myself…


I will finish up with my predictions as to how I would call the final standings based on the preseason players, I think you all should predict as well, grow a set:

1st Place- Pine Taaars
2nd Place- NOLA
3rd Place- Highpockets
TIE 4th Place- Zedmore Poles and Oceans Blyeleven (Bats vs. Arms)
6th Place- Torre a New One
7th Place- A-rod in my Pants
8th Place- Dogzilla
9th Place- Ephedra HeartStoppers (sans Bonds)
10th Place- Spearmint Rhino’s
11th Place- Beat Gallagher
12th Place- Looks Like Bruschi