Rockem Sockem

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

On a scale of WESTERN MOVIES, with 1 being “A Million Ways To Die In The West”… and 10 being “The Good, The Bad And The Ugly,”… I would say myyyyy draft waaaaaaaaaaaas………. I can’t do it. just can’t do it, you guys. I’m laughing too hard on this plane now.

2) One pick you were stoked about, one you should have changed? 



Stoked for Corey Seager in the 5th Round. Remember when this guy was a second rounder??? Not that long ago! And he is 24 years old?!?

I should have changed that last pick, Lourdes Gurriel? That Madonna’s kid? Anyways, I wanted Tulowitzki. I had Tulowitzki written down somewhere. But I was too drunk to remember Tulowitzki and I walked away from all of my draft materials around the 21stround. I currently have a WAIVER CLAIM on Tulowitzki! So let’s see if I get Tulowitzki!

…Tulowitzki

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

I don’t know. For the first year, ever, I didn’t keep track of my team paper. I didn’t swap papers with folks post-draft. I didn’t pore over names and possibilities across the league. And I robbed myself of a Rockem tradition that I positively love.

Piss on me, Wyatt!

4) Rockem 18 in beautiful Los Angeles had more guests; new/old friends join in on our fun than any of our past drafts. Tell your favorite story about any of the people who interacted with the Rockem crew in some capacity during this adventure.

Pat. Culliford.

Don’t get enough of that guy in my existence. And being shoulder-to-shoulder, talking bout life and tossing back beverages at Jumbo’s was a fantastic moment, if not a fantastic story. Would probably be a better story if I remembered more from that evening.

5) We have stayed in some interesting houses, where does this one rank and what was your favorite part of the Mansion Under The Hill?

This was a great trip, fellows. And really they are getting harder and harder to rank. I will say this, however…

Jay Moon and I had a terrific conversation at Minute Maid Park in July of last year. Covered a lot of topics. Ate a lot of food. One of the topics was - what do our hangouts look like in the coming years? 5 years from now? 10 years from now? And I think we got a peek at the answer in LA.

The amenities are up. Way Up! Let’s keep that going!!!

Let’s get Stephanie working on a hot tub in the back of LIC Bar NOW!

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 18 Draft?

Was it first walking into the mansion?

Was it first seeing my friends?

Was it the Hollywood run with Tom?

Was it the Afterlife Welcome Party with Eben?

Was it the teriyaki salmon?

Was it the Screw Crew?

Was it the sauna?

Was it the karaoke?

…it was at Prince O’ Whales, when, unbeknownst to me, a young lady asked Don McNally what part of The South I was from.

7) Anything to say to your competitors?

TOOOOOOOM, TOM, I LOVE YOUUUUUU!!!! DO YOU LOVE ME?

I just realized now, sitting down to write this preview that our L.A. residents book ended our draft…How did I not realize this the whole fucking time we were drafting?!? Or even at the draft order party?!?! Shit maybe it was because the draft went so fast (not sure officially but it felt like our fastest)…oh no, I didn’t realize it because of SCREW CRUE!

+

Ok might as well get to it here, who collectively finishes higher, the fancy people drafting at the dining room table, let’s call them “Upstairs” because they were so fancy (and I think that's what it means not having watched one second of Downton Abbey), the black footed messy partying til no tomorrow SC down below?!? Or will the wild card “Bar Boys” sneak in with their odd brand of mischeif?!? We shall see, we shall see….on to Mike’s team.

He mentioned that he was going one known, one unknown for each of his quick picks and I am not so sure that was for the best…Somehow both his bats and pitch look a bit wonky. Let’s start with the arms as Mike normally excels as those…Thor, Berrios, Severino, John Gray, Urias? With what looks like only one true closer pre opening day via Chapman (D-backs, you named Holland? Really?) sadly his MR’s might be the best he’s got on the mound if the injury risks of Noah and Luis don’t hold up. Is Berrios ready for top 5 starterville? Mike, sure as Hermosa beach, hopes so.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhN84rMUbX4

Bats look a tiny bit better but still has lots of ??? Trout, Story no brains….but is Seager fully healthy, Cain ready for another run? Villar and Devers the real deal? That swing pick right there might come back to haunt (Jesus, Chapman, Encarnacion, Muncy, Myers all picked after) and he may need good late picks of Domingo and Kemp to deliver as there aren’t many safe bets on the squad.

Then again life isn’t a safe bet and this weekend was some of the happiest I have ever witnessed Mike, no joke…I think he is going to be a lot happier at the beginning of Rockem 18 than at the end.

Prediction: Mike was a pig in shit…just look at those feet, texting like a teenager in love post draft. It won’t last, well, those black soles might stick around. Bottom Third.

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

Like colliding into Jay Vig playing beach football.

2) One pick you were stoked about, one you should have changed?

Stoked about Vlad Jr. Yes, fourth round may have been early, but that kid is gonna rake. I was keying in on Nola, but decided on Sale. Should have went with new, young blood over an old lanky injury waiting to happen. Also, really hated the Jesus Aguilar pick (as I write this, he has 2 HR tonight, but those are his first 2 of the season).

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

The Commish - Almost all NL, heavy on Mets and Cubbies. Continues his infatuation with the sexy youngsters. Maybe this will be the year it all comes together.

4) Rockem 18 in beautiful Los Angeles had more guests; new/old friends join in on our fun thanany of our past drafts. Tell your favorite story about any of the people who interacted with the Rockem crew in some capacity during this adventure.

Had to be Doc Holiday, he was there right?

5) We have stayed in some interesting houses, where does this one rank and what was your favorite part of the Mansion Under The Hill?

More privacy than Key West, more accessible than Vegas, less unexplained bite marks than Philly (I know, not a draft), less to clean up than Ski House, slept on the floor in AC, but the transportation was better. Am I missing one?

Favorite part of LA House was the roominess of the middle bunk.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 18 Draft?

Catering by Chez Fatone. Jalapenos on everything.

7) Anything to say to your competitors?

Greetings from the OK Coral

Moon sitting in the catbird seat.. What the fuck is a catbird? That shit auto corrected to one word…(looks it up)…huh, it most likely comes from Baseball…who the fuck knew?! Thanks Red Barber! Well anyway, Jay had the benefit Betts with the Deuce (seeing him at the BBWA in that get up and he would fit as an extra on The Deuce)

Then he went big dick..err..arm style grabbing Verlander Sale. Boom. Along with Hamels Musgrove and a strong closer crew (2 and half closers on opening day) Moon makes an argument for best staff in the draft.

The bats are more iffy, but poised for big things. If Vlad Jr. is the real deal he will be a steal in the 4th, Shaw could be the best offensive 2 bagger since someone lit fire to a bag of shit on someone’s porch….

Profar Moncada are ready for big years. Moon needs some luck (with a sick family and his o-stats) but I think his pitchers can leverage him (either by a trade or killer stats) towards the top of the league.

Prediction: It is going to be close and a move might be needed to be made, but Jay has never been afraid to pull the trigger or shotgun a beer towards victory…Top Third

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

“Yeah we smoked cigarettes and stared at the moon.”

This draft was Damn The Torpedoes, the third studio album from Tom Petty, which was released on Earth the same year as me and Winston and included the track “Even The Losers". Check the top of that board the first week of October. This is the year of the add-ons and perennial also-rans. Of water ghosts and spandex-clad wrestlers. Of commishes removing championship asterisks and Tom G’s picking places to eat. This may be the year that the boat gets left in the overhead compartment of a southbound train and winds up in Orlando.

2) One pick you were stoked about, one you should have changed? 



If “pleasant surprise” is the fuel of being stoked, then Pete Alonso is my favorite pick. I…wait for it…had never heard of him. Shawn had to clue me in that just because his last name ended with a vowel didn’t mean he was Hispanic. But I was reading the New York Times in the week leading up to the draft and found a page not obsessed with Trump. It was obsessed with another fellow from Queens, Pete Alonso. And that’s how you draft.

I Google my bad pick every twenty minutes, every day. I don’t know where he is. I don’t know that anyone does. I drafted him. I gave him a job. And he never showed. Decent people don’t do this. I know this, because I’ve done this. In the summer of 2000 I scored an internship with the New York Times. My elders were happy. “Maybe he’s growing up?!” Nope. The first day of work, while getting dressed for the job, I’m listening to Blood on the Tracks and that felt more like the thing to do. Never stroked one bit of ink on the Grey Lady. A week later, because fortune favors ingrates, I score a callback for an internship with Rolling Stone.Had we learned anything? We had not. Instead we went to Provincetown for a booze cruise whale watch with a girl who immediately jilted us for an alcoholic in Boston and promptly got knocked up. The point? There is none. Late Gen-Xers and Millennials are listless layabouts who understand that what CAN be done may as well NOT be done. And in the end—and across all the anxious hours in between—it doesn’t matter. That’s the real third revelation.

And Craig Kimbrel is maximum millennial. He wants $100 million over 5 years? Not surprisingly, teams don’t want to pay that to a fellow who impersonates an ape on the mound before throwing pitches slower than he used to throw them.

So I still do not have my first closer on the roster. The latest rumors have him “continuing talks” with the Mets—the Mets—which is the baseball equivalent of “continuing talks” with a girl who jilted you long after she’d gotten knocked up and added 15 pounds. You do it because you were born to pitch relief, but you must wonder about your professional choices.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

I am most afraid of Winston’s and McNally’s, because they got girls pregnant recently and Rockem Sockem is basically becoming a fertility clinic (for further reading, see Moon and Birdie and Bull, who taught us that if you you want to go up the board, you gotta first go up to the bridal suite).

4) Rockem 18 in beautiful Los Angeles had more guests; new/old friends join in on our fun than any of our past drafts. Tell your favorite story about any of the people who interacted with the Rockem crew in some capacity during this adventure.

One morning I passed a girl sitting on the balcony staring off into the distance. She was wearing black fishnet stocking and drenched in red lipstick, most of which was not on her lips. She looked like a cross between a Navajo Warrior and the portly girl from Wilson Phillips. “Who’s the girl?” I asked. This was a notably stupid question. Because obviously she was The Androgynous Titan—the next release in the Marvel Superhero movie series. For she had spent the previous evening carrying Vig—Vig!—up flights of stairs while asking people if they wanted to see her Driver’s License as proof of gender.

5) We have stayed in some interesting houses, where does this one rank and what was your favorite part of the Mansion Under The Hill?

It was up there with Key West, only with sturdier furniture. That first night I was sleeping on the bottom bunk on the bottom floor, when I awoke at 3am to find Drunk Moon trying to negotiate his way into the top bunk. If you’ve never experienced this, don’t. At that hour, you awake and remember only that you are somewhere in California, where a giant is unsuccessfully trying to stuff himself into an enclosed space fit for a toddler, right above you. Not all parts of Moon seemed to fit into the bunk simultaneously, but he didn’t care, he just kept on cramming himself in there, with the bed frame creaking. This seemed like a strange end for the Big Show, with Shawn having to call Carol with the news, “Look, the way he died was fucking weird. But the fellas all chipped in on what may as well have been his last words, a la Malcolm X, for his tombstone, “I didn’t land on the moon. The moon landed on me!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BlHY69ZsZ0

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 18 Draft?

(1) Landing.The plane’s rear wheels touched down and I turned on my phone before the front wheel drops, and we’re rolling at 130 miles per hour down the runway. In that moment Shawn calls. No lag time. No brakes. No taxiing to the gate. We’re doing 130, no hint of brakes, with white knuckled fliers still praying, and Shawn’s in my ear talking about Jumbo’s Clown Bar. It had a Swearangean-like vibe of “Welcome to fucking LA!”

(2) The End.After the draft, Ryniec and I are standing at the doorway leading to the balcony, and everyone’s walking by shaking our hands and saying things like “Good job” and “Fuck you” as Warren Zevon’s “Desperados Under the Eaves” plays. In this strange moment, 27 beers deep, rocked out of our minds, we accidentally formed a receiving and farewell line…it felt like the last minutes on earth set to the perfect exit music and the only cast of characters worthy of a final hat tip.

7) Anything to say to your competitors?

If I win, I promise to be insufferable. I will send Tom a telegram every single weekday with advice on how to do better at baseball.

With the 9th pick. Wait, when did Wilson really draft?!? Does he even fucking know?!? Wilson set a record drafting four out of twenty four picks who are not in the Yahoo system…wow. Simply wow…maybe his materials should get tossed in water every year.

The Days of Wine and Roses?

The “Nights of Wine and Roses”?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3KtKAySDBs&list=RDe3KtKAySDBs&start_radio=1

Niether. It was the draft of Rockies and Yankees, but what else is new? We go with what we know, which is why Wilson immediately flew home and went to an Arianna Grande show…huh?!?!?

He may know more of her songs than players not on NYY or COR but the good thing is those players he knows are pretty damn good. Nolan, Blackman, Sanchez, Torres, and Desmond, Happ Hicks, later will be # machines. But will Kimbrel ever take the mound let alone get saves? Will Rosario make a leap?

His late picks of Greene, McNeill, Martinez and Jac may prove more palpable than the middle of his draft…Then again there are 4 open slots for Neezer to play with post draft…dear god.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl1aHhXnN1k

Prediction: Maybe he didn’t pick ninth…but he will finish around there…Bottom Third

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

On the scale of Jeff's sobriety with 1 being “Jeff is sober” and 10 being “Jeff is dead”, I think my team is “Jeff has severe liver damage”. We're not quite dead yet, but compared to other teams that look more like “Jeff is hungover” and “Jeff is doing dry January”, I think my team has a decent shot at getting the trophy named “The Winston Cup”.

2) One pick you were stoked about, one you should have changed? 



Stoked for Judge at 4. I'm banking on him being a top 5 guy by the end of the year. One I would have changed is Garrett Hampson in the 11th round. Eben's soul temporarily took over my body and saw that there was an undrafted Rockie and made me yell out “Garrett Hampson”. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Eben works for the Kochs. That fucker has no soul.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

I think BK has a good chance to see the boat float further west down the Island.

4) Rockem 18 in beautiful Los Angeles had more guests; new/old friends join in on our fun than any of our past drafts. Tell your favorite story about any of the people who interacted with the Rockem crew in some capacity during this adventure.

Picture it, Playa del Rey, 2019. 1:10am Saturday night/Sunday morning

Phone rings

Me: (Waking up) “What?”

Mike: “Hey buddy, I'm so sorry. I'm locked out out of the house. Can you come and open the door?”

Me: “Snarfkmnsnjkw. Fucking jhshwi3w drunk assholejejhehei. I'll be right there”

Walks to the door. It's unlocked. Opens it. No one is there.

Walk to the kitchen. Sees Vig and the dude that was wearing a WWI fighter pilot jacket and a scarf?!

Me: “Did Mike just come in?”

Vig: “Mike? No. Where is he?”

Me: “I just asked you if you saw him walk in, How would….never mind.”

Calls Mike

Mike: “C'mon buddy! Let me in!”

Me: “You're not in front of the right house, are you?”

Mike: “I'm right in front of….” (pause) “I am NOT in front of the right house!”

Me: “Please get away from that house before you break and/or enter.”

Mike: OH DUDE! I HAD NO IDEA! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A GIANT HUG! I OWE YOU BIG TIME“

Me: “Please don't do that. Where are you? How far away are you?”

Mike: “I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A GIANT HUG, YOU SONOFABITCH”

Hears “you sonofabitch” both through the phone and the still open front door.

Mike enters and throws sweaty, uncoordinated arms around me. He steps back and I see tombstones where his pupils should be. He takes a deep breath and is ready to blow the windows out with a bellow…

Me: “No! Wait! wait. You don't owe me anything. Just please….PLEASE no more fucking Tombstone quotes. That's all I want.”

Mike: (nods) “Fair.”

(pause)

(pause)

(pause)

Mike: “How lewd.”

fin

5) We have stayed in some interesting houses, where does this one rank and what was your favorite part of the Mansion Under The Hill?

This has to be the tops for the actual house but definitely not for location

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 18 Draft?

It might be seeing Moon and BK show up to Cozy's with tacos

7) Anything to say to your competitors?

Suck it!

Commish’s Take:

Tom reunited the Twin Towers (not those) and the first and second cities of the country (sorry host town, not really a city) by going off the board and grabbing Judge first and Bryant second. (which is Bossman and which is Akeem? You decide)

Two players who were ROY’s, Bryant already an MVP and Judge could easily become one, that is a lockdown 1-2. Then again both underperformed last year, and tend to get hit by pitches (and bitches, both are sooo handsome…wait, where was I) so it is risky, but I love me some Risk.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSxD044qFqg

For the rest of his bats, there is a reliance on old, (EE, Cano) and super young (Eloy, Hampson, O’Hearn) but with Akeem and The Big Bossman up top he should be set with counting stats for bats. His pitching is fairly sexy, like Jenny Lewis’s new album cover (how was she at Amoeba fellas? Don’t remember talking about it)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9PjniODmbU

Nola, Straus, LeClerc Colome and May he can pull together…err…something…hmmm can he? Man, I actually thought I liked his staff better until I actually wrote out those names. No team is a lock this year, but I think Tom will be fighting for his first trophy…

Prediction: Being the grumpy old man helps on trips when he needs to keep his wits…Top Third

Hurricane Jeffe came in like a Lion to L.A….a Lion sick with rabies…and went out like a lamb…a wounded bleeding lamb, doing a sober (well no drinks Saturday, but probably still toasty) draft…and it is confusing to me. Each year there is one team I really can’t place, lately I always feel like it is Bull, but Jeff seems to have taken the fantasy “experts” to heart this year taking a cold calculating team, which I think could finish literally anywhere on the table.

The bats look pretty similar, .260 30 90 guys with outliers of JD and Goldy on the higher avg level and Gallo on the lower but a lot of the same-same, no speed with which to speak on the Poles, but with this much HR power, perhaps a late trade will be in order, or if not he will just keep everyone on edge…like he did this trip? Segura could be a steal in the 6th and Taylor was a great grab in 16 giving some flexibility to a station to station team.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY77zDzNmYw

Looking on the P side of things (teehee), again same-same with the arms as well, lots of 13-14 win guys with high 3’s low 4 eras. Will Jameson (nectar to Jeff’s ears as he pours him all over the bar) and Clevinger make that jump to next level? Very possible, but his Bullpen is heavy with questionable closers on questionable squads which could kep SV’s down and WHIP’s up…I am confused.

Prediction: When I have a hard time gauging a team I usually just slap them in the…Mid Third…but with little confidence.

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

Equal to my volleyball experience on Manhattan beach. Great for 6 minutes and then I tweaked my back.

2) One pick you were stoked about, one you should have changed? 



Ryan McMahon….maybe just because Eben was literally a Vinny Castilla pick away from assembling the entire Rockies roster.

Change…Luis Castillo….I like him but I brain farted and lost Miguel Cabrera in that round.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Shawn’s….because it’s so damn sexy!

4) Rockem 18 in beautiful Los Angeles had more guests; new/old friends join in on our fun than any of our past drafts. Tell your favorite story about any of the people who interacted with the Rockem crew in some capacity during this adventure.

“Dude I just got kicked out of this bar”

BK and I subliminally communicating: “Um……ok”……”Why are you back in the bar?”

5) We have stayed in some interesting houses, where does this one rank and what was your favorite part of the Mansion Under The Hill?

Probably the weirdest houses by far, but as far as I can tell no furniture was broken and discarded in the woods. Weird suits us, so this might be the best. Definitely best Hot Tubbin!

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 18 Draft?

Eben’s recounting the story of Jay Moon getting into that triple bunk above him is probably my favorite moment.

I did enjoy our Hermosa Beach Football game. We need to bring these type of excursions back to the league….Rockem Golfem, Rockem Bowlem, Rockem Touchem (errrr Footballerem)

7) Anything to say to your competitors?

Seriously….want to see my ID?

The big Bull waited until the second day of the trip to do damage…to himself. Busting out his back in a swift VB move. Did the slow motion walking, Jacuzzi, sauna, or bed sharing with Moon, help things come draft time or hurt them? Let’s take a gander shall we tubby?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWdQVieC-H0

His first pick almost broke himself pre-season but avoided a scare, that said I am not a big fan of JoRam repeating his success, however his follow up picks load up on bats which the Commish digs. Bregman, Rizzo, K Davis and Marte are all hefty enough to lift Vig up a flight of stares. Toss in Carpenter, Andrus, Marzara and long shots like Buxton and Wendle and I really like Bull’s Big Bat…eww.

His pitching is another story. The Corbin Bumgarner Castillo Foltynewicz isn’t awful…but it ain’t that great…and could be tragic barring big years from Corbin and Mad Bum. In a year with little bullpen solids, Bull is on the plus side with perhaps the best in the league Osuna, and while closing for the Reds Castillo might not yield great results, his other MR arms will help out, but I am not thinking it is enough.

Prediction: Bull is bat heavy, with minimal arms, gross combo for a man who loves to whack it on Broadway…ewww…Mid Third

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

Based on the Tombstone quotes from the weekend (BTW how did that even come up, probably too much Red Dead Redemption playing with Mike and Shawn), ..“not before I turn your head into a canoe”. To me, Draft was VERY fast this year and didnt have enough patience to go through all of my check and balances. that said, felt like i got a decent team overall but will be a tough

2) One pick you were stoked about, one you should have changed? 



Stoked about getting Trea Turner again, think he can get 70 Steals this year and .300 AVG (4/17 UPDATE: THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN)

Should have passed on Trea Turner and taken Max Scherzer

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

The Captain of team “Screw Crue”, Mr. Fatone. Solid team across the board, and think he will win the league this year

4) Rockem 18 in beautiful Los Angeles had more guests; new/old friends join in on our fun than any of our past drafts. Tell your favorite story about any of the people who interacted with the Rockem crew in some capacity during this adventure.

Helga's quote in the kitchen “I have never eaten steak in a mansion before”

5) We have stayed in some interesting houses, where does this one rank and what was your favorite part of the Mansion Under The Hill?

#1 Spa and Sauna, A+++++++

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 18 Draft?

Hanging out at the beach, drinking beers in the sun.

7) Anything to say to your competitors?

You tell em I’m coming, and hell’s coming with me!”

The three time defending champ (four time overall) was loving life in LA as we all bounced around and I for one could def see him relocating there someday. The sun does wonders for Bird but the booze may have done a number on his draft…or was that just his app? Truth is a lot of Bird’s picks left me scratching my grizzled hog…

Who am I to question the champ though?!? The commish, that’s who! Question I will! The law firm of Turner and Turner seems to be shooting for AVG predominantly with the early picks. Young Han Soto is a wild card who could carry his team to glory or sink it back down with the peons. Actually even if Soto soto’s the bed I think his offensive will be alright. Oldies like McCutchen and Braun could pitch in while youngsters like Dahl and Robles should inject life.

It is on the arms side of things the true questions lie, err lay,…await us. Is Bauer a real Ace? (Fuck Trump) Hand a real Closer? (Bird will be Tony Hawkeyed on the Tribe this year) Are the collection of Ray, Arrietta, and Morton everyday fantasy starters? Not liking Bird’s limp staff in the least, HOWEVER you never bet against the champ…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbSYgSOZHqI

Prediction: …or do you?!?! Middle Third

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

On a scale from “Lungers” to “Huckleberries”, I’d rate my draft a “Drunk Piano Player”.

2) One pick you were stoked about, one you should have changed? 



Stoked: Michael Conforto

Change- Scooter Gennett

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Screw Crew!!!!!

4) Rockem 18 in beautiful Los Angeles had more guests; new/old friends join in on our fun than any of our past drafts. Tell your favorite story about any of the people who interacted with the Rockem crew in some capacity during this adventure.

Claire Bear’s Karaoke Birthday Bash at The Shack. Friday night. Just hours after landing in LA. Drinks with old friends and new randoms. It was lovely and so was Claire.

5) We have stayed in some interesting houses, where does this one rank and what was your favorite part of the Mansion Under The Hill?

Mansion Under the Hill was pretty killer. I loved the Pink Key West house, but this place was t!ts. My fav part of the house was that I kept finding new places and things?! Place was huge!

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 18 Draft?

Screw Crew!!!

7) Anything to say to your competitors?

Forgive me if I don’t shake hands.

Donny Mac was the last to arrive in LA but he made the most of it splitting time between The Bar Boys and the Screw Crew and that inebriation may have hampered his picks…uhh you know Kuechel isn’t in the league Don? (Yet.) And you know your not really in the Screw Crew right? (Yet.)

As it stands I think the majority of teams are fairly even but if I am forced to write a 18,976 word preview I need to make some hard choices and Don Pigeons team seems to be the furthest from these eyes to soaring to free eats. Sorry Cillian Jack, daddy’s gonna need his medicine this summer.

Not saying it CAN’T happen. There are a few good picks in there. In fact his first two can be vying for NL MVP honors come September, but just what is a Cody Bellinger? A top tier 1b or a part time player for Dave “Platoon” Roberts. Come to think of it McNally does seem to have a bit of William Dafoe circa Platoon in him…

Anyways…Dee Gordon felt about 10 rounds to early, but I may be projecting, Upton returned home a solid if unspectacular pick and he did the same motif with his late grabs of Choo and Kipins; drunk D-Mc needed some stability.

Where he won’t find it is in his pitching rotation. McNally needs Walker Buehler to shine because the likes of Price and the aforementioned Dallas are iffy. Seeing how this is McNally he only has one closer, but somehow that isn’t the worst in the league so maybe he can scratch out points with a solid MR of Betences and Stripling…wait Stripling backs up Jansen his only closer…he better hope Jansen doesn't have a heart attack when he strolls into the Tangled Upton Blue club house.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrQATSvhsaA

Prediction: Bottom Third. Gonna be an interesting season if Donny’s squad is eating for free at the table come December. (Editor's Note: Of course Don dominated all of the league for the first month and is still in 2nd place as of May16th)

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

On a scale of random run-ins, with the aggressive Italian-speaking Korean in a parking lot being a low and Topaz being a high, I'll give my draft a “Steph B”: an ex-patriot Long Islander who moved out West to become a radio host. Like my team, not flashy, but steady and likable amongst the chaos of a 50-year-old's Mardi Gras celebration.

2) One pick you were stoked about, one you should have changed? 



Stoked: Josh Hader. Not on my radar at all going in, but the juicy number line tantalized right before the pick - maybe even get elusive wins out of the pen. Though it won't last, his actually being the closer at the start was gravy.

Changed: At least one of the subsequent eight picks after Hader. I seemed to be determined NOT to take a reliever who was likely to get saves.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Bird. Think he had a 30 point lead on the plane back. But, what does the app say?

4) Rockem 18 in beautiful Los Angeles had more guests; new/old friends join in on our fun than any of our past drafts. Tell your favorite story about any of the people who interacted with the Rockem crew in some capacity during this adventure.

Not THAT Anthony was asked to leave the bar, but the fact that he was sitting at the table IN the bar recounting to us in great detail exactly how he HAD ALREADY BEEN ejected created an interesting moment of pause.

5) We have stayed in some interesting houses, where does this one rank and what was your favorite part of the Mansion Under The Hill?

The labyrinthine tower in the hill may be the most interesting, but I still have heart for our pink bastion in the Keys.

The roof view: Mountains…city…swamp…beach.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 18 Draft?

In lieu of a list of favorite individual moments with you all (which I had), I'll just do my most “LA” moment:

quite literally roaring toward the butcher in Alan's Mustang, after my PJ-wearing, God-meeting, back-watching day at Hermosa Beach. New friend in Alan, old friend in Vig, laughs, sunset, a smoke, wind refreshing, music up; just feeling free ……..maybe I was simply happy not to be on Bird's lap in ANOTHER cab.

BK, like Birdie, seemed at home on the left coast…perhaps the two family men just need a vacation with friends…or perhaps they have half the league titles between them so they know the rest of us are suckers and they can just chilllll…GRRR! Any which way but loose BK had a good time all weekend, that includes the draft.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrhzX3dRRiI

BK went for well rounded it looks like and it paid off. On the bat side of the ledger there are a lot of AVG heavy guys who can also pop, Lindor, Abreu, Springer, Merrifield and a couple of those can run as well (EDITOR'S NOTE: A day after writing this Lindor went out with a serious ankle sprain…ouch). (EDITOR’s NOTE 2: The Revenge of Editor’s Note- The original note was written in March, it’s now the middle of May). The sneaky still productive Nelson Cruz was a great pick while later grabs like Piscotty Schwarber and White all have contributing and legit breakout potential.

While the bats are OK, BK has the deepest staff…surprising for an Irishmen. But will he be able to finish the deal? Starters are dominant (Max, Carrasco, Flaherty, Mikolas) but the closers, while talented may not rack up a ton of SV’s. The thing is I am thinking there will be a lot of K’s low ERA and WHIP and since this is BK coaching…

Prediction: Top Third…seriously, this is BK I am typing about…

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

If I am judging on scales, 1 being shed snakeskin and 10 being placoid scales from sharks, I will say my draft was dinosaur feathers. Seriously, can you wrap your mind around the fact that Dino’s were birds and NOT reptiles? Hard to do. In fact if you want to read a crazy article, check this out about the end of millions of years of life in a few minutes….where was I?

2) One pick you were stoked about, one you should have changed? 



On a team founded on sex appeal and big dick energy there are a lot of choices that get me rigid, but I gotta go with the obvious and say Harper. Very glad he fell to me, think he is going to be huge in the pants this year. Also some slobbering wang love to Wheeler and Adalaberto (or however you spell his name) because I think both are poised for breakouts.

Changed? I would have had a circumcision on Kyle Hendricks, got drunkenly scared, I didn’t have an established starter…not really sure Hendricks is that anymore…could have waited and gotten Lester, Yu or Archer…oh wait, I did.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Read the review!!!!

4) Rockem 18 in beautiful Los Angeles had more guests; new/old friends join in on our fun than any of our past drafts. Tell your favorite story about any of the people who interacted with the Rockem crew in some capacity during this adventure.

Tough call. It was great seeing Zach and Chris B, never get enough time with those two ever, and Pat joining was unreal…the fact that Pat was texting me on Thursday morning and fooling me into thinking he is going into work, then I saw him heading through security… I lost my shit. Also from post draft texts the vacation with the boys was needed for him, so that is nice…

But I will say fucking Alberto man…he really tied the trip together.

5) We have stayed in some interesting houses, where does this one rank and what was your favorite part of the Mansion Under The Hill?

Ranks high, def the classiest place we stayed but I have a soft spot for the Big Coral in Key West and Slopes, both shit holes comparatively but I like the proximity to nightlife I guess… and the pool from Key West for late night swims.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 18 Draft?

As always there are so so many. I can’t eve beg….SCREWCRUE!!!!!!

7) Anything to say to your competitors?

Nothing…I am not sure why you are even reading this?

This years guest preview come from none other than Dennis 'Bull' Walters, Thanks in advance big guy:

Once again the commish came out swinging at the end of round 2 with his annual quote……. “I have the Goddamn Sexiest Motherfuckin Team!”……or was it…… “My Team is Motherfuckin Sexy” or possibly……“The Sexiest Team here Fuckers……SCREWCREW!!!”.

Bryce falling to 10 was a great get for the Quisenberry’s, and quite possibly the best value of the 1st Round, but let’s let Birdy’s idol reflect on the next 3 rounds.

'Sexy' doesn't have to come with the price tag of being dumb. - Pink

Quick Aside: I think Bird really does think Pink’s first name is Two-in-da

Now that quote may be a bit harsh to describe Shawn’s drafting, but so are 18 years of rhyming Pink and Stink.

Shawn lives and dies with the sexy picks and they are certainly plentiful in the top of this draft. Baez a legitimate MVP candidate screaming regression……well according to Eben’s magazine that somehow miraculously did not make it into the nicest Hot Tub we’ve ever scored.

And yes I would consider myself the Rockem Authoritative Source on the subject

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MA3N2e5wTNA

Actually, this guy is pretty knowledgeable as well

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pxb5cz-Wn8E

This team is a little hard to diagnose…..you see the obvious potential, but is this young squad going to reward the Quisenberry’s and out-produce their draft day prices? Harper yes……..Mondesi probably not. Puig? Lord knows! Maybe if we add put-outs as an extra category, he would warrant a top 65 pick. Will he ever put it together? Well we know the Commish’s team will be the first to find out because he’s landing right here for the next 10 years. What does Shawn see in him……

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7P1oTgYQk8

I assume no one ever watches these videos…..but the jump cut at 2:28 is worth the watch.

Quickly summing up the rest of the offense:

Odor is definitely one of those post-hype guys that can still make a big impact and Smoak is just two years removed from a Chris Davis year (one of the good ones), but could also be a candidate for a Chris Davis year (one of the bad ones).

The offense will definitely need to carry the day, with Zack Wheeler holding down the 1 spot in the rotation. Hendricks sounds like nothing to be excited about, but will likely have the best year of all the Cubs pitchers……which is good…..or maybe not….since the Commish also grabbed Lester and Darvish, which were steals at the end of the draft. If one of the late round SP’s works out, this team could find itself hanging in contention. Let’s Go Matz! Let’s Go Matz!

The RP’s…..why are they all white? I’m speechless. SPD doesn’t draft Sean’s, Ken’s and Cody’s…..they draft Rafael Soriano, Jorge Julio and Ugueth Urbina. Seriously, good pick on Doolittle, but Ken Giles Blows! And certainly not in any sort of Sexy Way.

Prediction: Middle Third. This team is bound to have a few breakout years, but the key will be getting the rest of the squad to remain serviceable. If Donaldson, Hoskins, Peralta repeat their past success, the Quisenberry’s will be a waiver wire pick up away from being in the conversation for eating free at another ridiculously expensive meat dinner.

Or simply put this team is:

Before:

After:

This has nothing to do with this Review…..but probably should be added to Vig’s:

Commish’s Take: At the draft I was more down on the team, but after going through everyone’s I think I got a real shot, that said…

Prediction: Mid Third but with sexy energy to make a run if the cards collapse correctly.

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

Knowing that I have no applied wisdom to truly answer this question with any veracity, I find myself not wanting to wax as if I COULD know ANYTHING in terms of rating with real analysis.

As the guy that lives in the cellar and dreams of living upstairs in the penthouse, I'm still only the master of the basement hahaha! The duality of it all makes me laugh. I look up to you guys in every way and appreciate you so damn much.

Having said that, I feel like I addressed all my basic needs and have a shot at competing! I may not win, but I should not be the guy buying the first round at the table this year.

2) One pick you were stoked about, one you should have changed? 



Miguel Cabrera is my big hopeful. I think.

I would have liked to have not picked Brandon Belt in the last round for the ninth time. I wish I had a sneakier pick.

Hopefully he will surprise me.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Don Fatone because of a few things

1) The robots love him. Those fuckers aint no blade runners but they know more than me.

2) Chris B likes his team. He's such a super baseball nerd and is like a living robot.

3) He is the founding father of the Screw Crew!!!!! He's definitely the Samuel Adams to Mike's Patrick Henry. Screw Crew FOREVER!!!!

4) Rockem 18 in beautiful Los Angeles had more guests; new/old friends join in on our fun than any of our past drafts. Tell your favorite story about any of the people who interacted with the Rockem crew in some capacity during this adventure.

I loved walking down the Hermosa pier with Brian, Tom and Pat C. The Sun and the ocean were mesmerizing and listening to these beautiful people discuss spirituality was very nourishing.

I loved playing football on the beach. Even losing. I loved it.

I loved time with everyone. I wish I had gotten a little more time with certain people but overall, I had some quality time with just about everyone.

Getting ZAch, Chris, Loni, Pat, Herman to swing around was golden Meant the world.

Getting time with the strongest woman I ever met that made me really kick the tires on my Gaydar was…humbling. I still like her.

5) We have stayed in some interesting houses, where does this one rank and what was your favorite part of the Mansion Under The Hill?

Probably my favorite over all. The set up was great and again, getting the time with everyone was so damn sweet. I wanna do a lobster boil next time.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 18 Draft?

I laughed so damn much during the draft with screw crew and tombstone references Anytime we get Shawny D, NOT Yawny D laughing and REALLY belly laughing, it's the best feeling in the world. Anytime we all connect and get that real good laugh, I am in heaven.

I was in heaven the whole time.

7) Anything to say to your competitors?

I'm not buying the first round! And let's see each other again sooner!!!

Vig had a lot on his mind this draft…screw crue…getting tossed around by Helga…should he start his drunken Yankee run early?!?! Then he went and drafted his hated Altuve first. Mini Me and Stanton actually make a formidable 1-2 but I would have bet he would have drafted them in reverse order. The pitch pitch follow up is interesting and could be the steals of the draft…or could flame out as Snell needs to repeat and Kershaw seems achy already.

Wilson gobbled up a bunch of the Yanks but Vig was not to be denied, taking another pitcher Paxton who has yet to toss over 160 innings in his career…hmm maybe DJ will bring the beats from the Rockies, but I think this team is on the precipice of Injury Cliff and wobbling, like our Mansion Under The Hill in an earthquake. Some randos for Vig like Mitch Haniger, Eovaldi, Kepler, and DeJong could deliver, but if Oldies like MigCab, Kerhsaw, Posey, stay hurting this could be a long year for the love struck Italian Stallion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qN4dOU_1hoA

The one place Vig is stacked, besides his lovers underwear, is in the Bullpen. Vig grabbed three true top notch closers and may be able to shift them for needs later on as he will probably be running away with saves at the All-Star break. Overall, it’s true we never know with injuries, and if healthy this team could contribute but I am not so sure you can’t draft away from the doctors office…

Prediction: Many trips to the ER, Dr. James Andrews and the Bottom Third

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

This one is definitely in the top 18 all time for me.

2) One pick you were stoked about, one you should have changed? 



Always stoked to pickup Tanaka and instantly regretted the dozier selection remembering how painful that was last year

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Robert Kraft’s Patriots, they’re on an incredible run, this can't go on forever, gotta come to an end soon, they’ll prob win again this year, fuckers!

4) Rockem 18 in beautiful Los Angeles had more guests; new/old friends join in on our fun than any of our past drafts. Tell your favorite story about any of the people who interacted with the Rockem crew in some capacity during this adventure.

❤️ all the guests that popped in during the weekend

5) We have stayed in some interesting houses, where does this one rank and what was your favorite part of the Mansion Under The Hill?

Great house, lived up to the expectations and ranks right up there at the top. Thanks to the fella that found the house, nice work!

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 18 Draft?

Screw crewwww!

7) Anything to say to your competitors?

Good luck boys, it’s going to be a tight race this year, let’s get a new champ, a first timer for fucks sake!

Thanks commish for all you do, you rock!

Last year I kinda shit all over Ryniec’s draft in real time, went back to write the review and was shocked to see I dug his squad (picked them to finish 2nd overall) then the season happened and he plummeted to 10th. Guess my drunken draft self was right…

This year, in real time I disliked the other LA Rockem’s resident team. With Fatone drafting at the snake I never really got nipple hard for any of his choices and yet now back in the grimy gray, concrete cold of NYC I have to say I may have been mistaken.

Before I get to his team though I will say this, the weather in LA is amazing, you guys were saying it wasn’t that great, then I walked home three avenues from Penn Station in the frozen spring, over shit covered streets, through construction zones and flocks of tourists and thought…huh there might be something to that LA living…

Back to the Fatone’s squad though. He did a hell of a job riding the head (or is it ass?) of the snake for well rounded bats with Acuna Correa and Rendon and top notch P’s of DeGrom, Kluber and Diaz. It was the middle of his draft I wasn’t a fan of and still really ain’t/isn't/wahtever's, Pham, Ozuna, Perraza, blah blah blah.

Fatty's keeper Tanaka (always on the 'zilla's) makes a killer 1-2-3 but Don't Call me Donald apparently forgot about drafting Diaz as he has no other bullpen help. Wait, I like this team now?!?! What is going on?!?!

Prediction: Not sure how or why, but I think we may be heading back out to LA for Rockem Dine’em. Top Third

Yahoo did their preview again and here are the machines thoughts:

Their favorite bats are, in order: SPD, Jeff, Tie: Moon & Bird

Their favorite arms are, in order: BK, Wilson, Jeff

In doing the shaky math, here are the totals I came up with for who the robots like. Remember last year they predicted McNally to win, he finished 6th. This year they did something even more insane…they predicted a THREE WAY DANCE…in the basement!!! Check out those predictions:

Kinda interesting no one is over 100. Quick, since we went to our patented scoring system, what’s the highest point total?

Bonus (fake) points if you know who did it (not many options) and what year (tougher)….

…………

….

..

.

BK, 124 in Rockem X.

Anyways… Now that the robots and bad memories are done here are my thoughts. I say my patented sentence every year below, but with young players, mixed up bullpens, shifts and new playing roles to be defined daily, it seems like this season is totally up in the air. The points will be split pretty evenly and I gotta feeling (like the robot) very few peeps will be over 100, so without further ado…my annual lead in:

The league is waaaay too tight, injuries and breakout seasons are what will decide this year’s champ. It will come down to the final days like always and something weird will probably decide the title and who eats for free. I seriously believe anyone can win this thing…and the great thing is? Someone will.

12. McNally

11. Vig

10. Mike

9. Wilson

7 Tie Bull & SPD

6. Winston

5 Bird

4. Tom

3. Moon

2. Fatty

1. BK