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 //**She's only seventeen (seventeen), daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me.** //
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-**{{:kip-winger-e4e936be-ff5a-484e-87d7-5fec23e9259-resize-750.jpeg?nolink&400x551|kip-winger-e4e936be-ff5a-484e-87d7-5fec23e9259-resize-750.jpeg}}**During the 17th year of Rockem we were lucky enough to have our draft fall on the 17th day of the 3rd month so St. Patrick was looking over all of us. Who will have the luck of the Irish on their side this year? Wait a second…famine’s, crushing religious rule, civil war, alcoholism, pasty skin, small dicks, no rhythm….what fucking luck do my people have? So instead, here is hoping all of you have Kip Wingers luck…Jesus Mary and Joseph he is handsome. Truth for a second, I love that we can be 17 fucking years into this nonsense and still get together to do this. I was vibrating on Saturday morning I was so excited. Draft day is special, you are all special, now read along while I rip apart your shitty squads. As always I am just dealing with your team as of the draft with my takes; I can’t keep track if you picked up Johnny Hotnuts or slipped the tongue to Malcolm McVultureSave. I am also doing this before I read your response to any of my questions, any connection is just serendipitous. So in Draft Order… === Bone Droppers: === 1. Great!!!!! I was happy to get some time with Moon and Bird. The draft was cool too. 2. Stoked about trout because why not? Juan minaya was a stupid pick 3. Mcnally 4. Fatone and his brorhers were curb stomping each other for fun 5. That would be nice. 6. Dons baseball gifts for sure. 7. See you soon god willing!!!! (Editors note: These were the last answers received on 4/12….) === Commish’s Take: === **“Do not put unauthorized cinnamon on the goddamn meeting table! That's all the fuck we need” ** Well last year JV went Varsity and just missed out on a top three finish, but if he is looking to the past he may want to look higher. Birdie pulled off a few surprising events including becoming the first person in Rockem History to win while drafting in the top spot, can Vig repeat the effort? Hahaha….nooooo….Oh wait I mean, Sure Vig has a shot. 1 in 12, if you like those odds… I kid because I care, About what I have no idea… At the end of this preview you are going to see a few projected finishes in the league using apps, Yahoo!’s Rankings and my own dumb thoughts. Yahoo in particular loves Vig’s offense, and since we’ve all heard about his big stick, maybe this is the year he swings it well. Trout first was a semi surprise as Stanton seemed like a real possibility so he could combine reality and fantasy. With old (semi) reliables like Cano, Bruce, and Arreita combined with some young upside of Devers, Ray and Domingo Santana his base looks fairly solid. I am going to pin Jay’s season on one guy though. If Cody Bellinger takes the next step to superstar I think Vig has a real shot, I literally don’t know if he will (obviously) but I just feel he is going to be the tell-tale player of the Italian Stallions. Also I need to buy Vig a Freddie Freeman (Vig’s Bouncing Boy…don’t worry, you all get one) jersey as he always drafts him, speaking of people he always drafts, his patented drunken yankee run was sidelined this year by a 20 year old that needed attention…She also took his attention away from drafting anyone who saves…well he has already hooked up with her, so closing was the last thing on his mind. **Prediction: **Middle Third. I think a few things come together for Vig, others don’t. He finds himself mid pack. === The Chickle Tickles: === 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? With about 70% less enthusiasm than Mike made with his first pick. 2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed? Tim Beckham at the end. Should have changed Altuve. I was happy when i took him but my team is now loaded with 15 Hr. 15 SB guys Vig should have taken Stanton…..so I would have changed his pick 3) Whose team are you most impressed with? Let’s go with Mike 4) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!? Too much tranny pie 5) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules? Or we could just stay in the same room 6) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft? Well its the first time an entire Race was drafted. it would certainly be shameless if everyone doesn’t have a mention of their baseballs and how upcoming fatherhood is making Don McNally unrecognizable. 7) Anything To Say to your competitors? I know Fatty had a medical issue but perhaps we should get Eben checked out . HIs signature on my baseball clearly looks like early onset Parkinson’s === Commish’s Take: === **“I've been known to cut the odd fart, but they've never stunk”** Last year I insulted Bull about always drafting white guys…so of course this year he over compensates with two mexicans in the first round (checks notes) uhhh I mean err…brown people. The Altuve is a no brainer and ‘perts love Ramirez (I’m no ‘pert but still not sold). In order to lord over those tiny minorities he snagged the Norse God to bring the thunder or lightning…I always hated Thor in comics…the dude is a god, what the fuck is doing stopping robbers in silly masks?!? The thing is Bull better hope Syndergaard is God-like because really I can’t find the rest of his staff, Smarzjzida?! He is still starting? Gausman? Shoemaker? Drafting Britton (Bull’s Bouncing Boy) even when he is on the 60 Day DL? Is this a staff or a wilted twig? True, he has a few closers, but not enough to raise the bar on this motley crew, and that’s not just me talking, Yahoo! Thinks this is the worst P in the league by a lot. So with a staff this limp, he must be jacked on the O side (checks notes) uhh…. Martin, McCutchen, Lamb, Mancini, even Hosmer and Upton…I see a ton of ??? in this lineup. Perhaps it was the lack of bagels and lox, but Bull’s team seems off this year to me….maybe next year bring back the Whites Only policy. **Prediction:** Bottom Third. Every team is close we can all win..yadda yadda…but I think Bull needs a ton to fall his way to get in the free eats conversation…then again he usually stops checking his team in August so what does it matter? === The Pine Taaars: === 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? Using Mohs Hardness scale I think my team is Topaz but could drop as low as Calcite. With a little help I'll hopefully be lounging in side by side bathtubs by the end of the year. 2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed? Stoked about getting Lindor finally. I also think Yonder Alonso could be a steal in the 21st round. In retrospect the pick I should have changed is Greg Bird. Mostly I didn't love most of my picks but didn't hate any either. We'll see. 3) Whose team are you most impressed with? I never say mine. Fuck it…mine! 4) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!? Too many years of smoking meth caught up with him and his teeth are starting to fall out of his head. Expect this to be an annual tradition. 5) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules? The draft was long but we didn't have anyone disappearing for rounds at a time doing shots. As long as that's the case, let it go as long as it need to (except for applying a strict 2 minute time limit on all of Jeff's picks). 6) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft? Eben sitting by himself with zero draft material and still drafting a halfway decent team. 7) Anything To Say to your competitors? I'll be picking dinner this year. Also…suck it. === Commish’s Take: === **“Well, if this is His will, Reverend, He is a son of a bitch!”** The always outspoken Gallagher had to speak a lot this draft, reminding everyone who was taken multiple times, only moments after saying, again and again, huh…maybe we really need a draft board…ahh no one would read that anyway. Pizza Tosser went to the thin air of the ‘Rado instead of the humidor in the desert for Nolan and he is beefy….and he better be a full god damn cattle herd because that is the only pure power guy on the Taaars. Rockem Sockem’s starting Second baseman's plan was to draft a lot of guys who could kinda do it all, Lindor being the captain but also seeing Bientendi, Andrus, ummm Dejong? Asvaislslsd Garcia? Who are these guys…sure 15/15 might be in play for all but who cares? Thank god he went heavy on arms. DeGrom (Tom’s Bouncing Boy), Darvish, Tanaka are the best three in Rockem with Chatwood on the verge of bursting into that group. The RP’s look really well lined up, legit as can be before opening day closers for decent teams, maybe some of them can hit? It seems a toss up as to who has the speediest team Bull or Tom…unfortunately I see that as a race to the bottom. **Prediction: **Bottom Third. If some of his late veteran fliers (CarGonzoBeans and Pujols) re-emerge maybe a shot or his pithcing carries the day…but what are the odds on that? === ephedraheartstoppers: === 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? Bagel-less. I mean for real. Jeff had set the precedence for years and then just stops without telling anyone? Its like if Vig decided not to get drunk and fall asleep or Eben started pronouncing players names correctly. I just don't know what to think anymore. Also, I spent most of the time texting picks to toothless Don, so really had to pay attention. Should have just gotten blind drunk with the rest of you. 2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed? Bunch of Cubs, Contreras, Happ and Hendricks. Gives me something to talk to people at work about. Basically the second half of my draft is a hot, boring mess. Maybe LoMo is a value pick at 213, but probably not. 3) Whose team are you most impressed with? Rhinos. Just for the fact that it allowed for the Blackmon before the Judge joke. That and the one man closer run. Its a last place team, but impressed nonetheless. 4) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!? Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgury 5) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules? As time goes on and we have less time on this earth, the hours we have left should be spent doing the things we have enjoyed most. I for one covet this time and see no reason to rush to the end. Lets enjoy it while we still can. (This does not apply to McNally, he should pick faster) 6) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft? Tom and Shawn spitting fire at each other. Never change. 7) Anything To Say to your competitors? Read a book === Commish’s Take: === **“I see you got your big fucking knife there, and hidden on your persons you probably got some pussified shooting instrument but I am good at first impressions and you are a fucking cunt. I doubt you fought many men, maybe not even one”** 1b, 1b! Will it be the new trend?!? Moon sure locked up the position with Goldie and Votto. Avg RibEye’s and OPS are pretty solid after two rounds so it is a plus and looking down Moon’s draft sheet it is impressive. Stras is an ace (even if anyone who owns him wishes he was a little better) Yelich Wilson Happ and Taylor looked poised to break out and Davis is 40 HR locked. Yahoo!’s projections also dig Moon’s Offensive ranking it second behind Vig’s. Huh, this is over, Moon’s got a great team def finishing Top Th…oh wait, there were how many rounds left after he drafted Happ?!? Yikes…not sure if the whiskey took hold, he was texting too much with Fatty or he was focusing on the twins amazing double block in basketball? In looking at picks 10-24 there are a lot of ummm oooooohhhh-k’s in there. Besides Colome and maybe Marwin it seems like a total crap shoot. Granted if Yelich Wilson Taylor and Happ all bust out raw like sushi he won’t need the likes of Souza jr, Moustakas (Moon’s Bouncing Boy), Gio, Kepler or Hader…but he better hope they do or he will need more whiskey, texts with fatty and amazing athletic feats from the twins to get him through the dog days of summer. **Prediction**: Middle Third. A tale of two drafts. === C-Town Highpockets === 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? Like a first ride along the Grand Canyon. Seeing things from a different awe-struck point of view early on (no infield in first three rounds); then steady moments when the world seems in natural unison intermixed with stomach dropping excitement of a risky dip; … then I said screw it and jumped off the damn ledge. 2) One pick you were stoked about,    "Were" being optimal since the draft. Was excited to see the Kershaw-Bumgarner experience. (No dice for a while). Maybe getting Justin Turner way later than I expected? (No dice for a while). Damn early draft! Matt Olson, I guess. The guy at the bar with an A's hat told Jeff he hits HRs. So, there's that. One you should have changed? Brandon Belt - I was mid leap off the cliff - embarrassingly called a bunch of taken names and forgot the 'sleepers' I had in mind there. 3) Whose team are you most impressed with? During draft, I found myself raising brows and saying, "Nice swing picks" when Jay had his snake. Afraid to say, though, Bird's team stands out. 4) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!? Frank: I bet it was the Diaz brothers. They got beef going back to the Sun Ray thing. Skinner: The butterfly did it. I'm telling you it was the butterfly! Valentine: It. Was. The. Dukes. It. Was. The. Dukes. 5) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules? No. No clocks in baseball. If everyone is conscientious -enough- to have three or four names in mind that they think will be there, we should only have a few "Give me a minute all my guys just went" moments, as opposed to "Who the Hell is up? Make a pick!" moments. 6) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft? The joy of sitting between two of my closest friends and their friendly banter. 7) Anything To Say to your competitors? I'll savor the bat; the boat seems far. === Commish’s Take: === **“Any more gunplay gets answered. You call the law in Sampson, you don't get to call it off just cause you're liquored up and popular on payday”** Drafting physically next to the champ is always a trip. No one sweats it out, second guesses or has so many guys taken that he had his eye on than BK. The Champ Is Here! (and nervous) Seriously, Rockem 27 he will be drinking scotch and milk for his ulcer at this rate. On a side note, say what you will about Cena, but that is one of the top 5 entrance songs of all time. Essentially going pitch pitch with a JD Degree inbetween BK locked down the west coast pitchers and CG’s (Update: whoops that Bum is broken again) so he waited on pitchers….and drafted a bunch of average? If BK doesn’t get 12 in Avg I will be shocked with Turner (Update: whoops Red Beard is broken again) Rendon, DJ, Xander (BK’s Bouncing Boy), Belt and Didi…shockingly the most wanted man in Rockem this year. If Mig Cab (Placeholder for the future injury update) returns to form there is another 300 bat. Unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot of pop in ‘dem there bats. I see BK on the waiver wire/trading block a fair bit this year as he tries to make up for that. Also once you get past the big two in the rotation, things are a bit dicey, I know he is a good catholic and all, but Godley? I am not sold on Berrios, but do like the late grab of Salazar.The bullpen cart seems to be running on a bit of empty as well. It should be noted that when looking at Yahoo’s in house predictions below they hated BK’s Offense but gave him the best staff by a lot…so much so they put him in the top third. Do I agree? **Prediction**: Bottom Third. No. This team just doesn’t get me excited and he has to be on the bottom one of these years right?!?! (I know I know, slow and steady and he will probably eat for free, fucker) === Ocean’s Blyleven: === 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? On a scale of how attractive Stephanie becomes as the day goes on, with 1 being noon and 10 being 3 A.M., my draft was about 11:30 in the evening. 2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?    I was psyched to get Adrian Beltre in the 9th round. I think last year’s poor numbers dropped him a bit too far. Or perhaps I was still riding my old man love of David Ortiz from a few years back. Nobody’s ever done. Speaking of Old Man Love! (gross) I was ready for Tim Lincecum as my last pick from the first round. Wanted to bookend my draft with over-the-top, promo-level, lead-ins! Less comedic, more strategic picks were there on the final swing for sure. 3) Whose team are you most impressed with? Heading into the draft I really thought you NEEDED one of the big 4 SP’s on the board to compete. As evident by my first round! Looking at the finished products though, I think some folks did nice jobs without ‘em. Jay Moon’s team looks solid. And can Birdie THREE-PEAT!?!?!? I think he can! Of the folks who got one of the big 4 – Kershaw and BK and The Klube and Fatone will be noisy fo’ sho’. 4) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!? Went to Key West by mistake. 5) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules? Never. I hope to see the drafts get longer. As the years roll by and we all spend less and less time with each another, what a marvelous opportunity to not look at a clock. And in an era where the game itself is being molested to fit into a speedier format for advertisers and millennials alike, we remain timeless. Rockem Sockem is pure baseball. 6) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft? Haha… Gotta be the balls! That gracious act by Donald McNally will forever be tied to Kip Winger and Rockem 17. All signatures were on POINT! Everybody walking around to get ‘em signed was GREAT! And I really loved when LINES started to form for people!?! So. Much. Fun.\\
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-) Anything To Say to your competitors? Love you all. And, in case any of you missed it on draft day, I’m totally gonna get the first completely signed baseball when I head back west. === Commish’s Take: === **“It's the learning fuckin' nothin', Al, that keeps me young”** Do you really need to read this? Didn’t you hear me insult him all draft? This team sucss…wait a second…Maybe you should read this…as Bobby sang… Even though that song makes me think of Wilson everytime I hear it, this year it pertains to Mike. During the draft it kinda became a bit, but when doing this preview I started to come around on the man’s squad…that sounds dirtier than it should. While the Max pick is still a tad shocking things seemed to fall into place after that. Sanchez Springer Cuz and Myers (Mike’s Bouncing Boy) will all put up numbers if they aren’t exactly sexy. However…if your game is sexy (and mine certainly is) you can look to Baez, Moncada, Giolitto for some ohh la la…speaking of oh la la…. The crusty old vets even got a spot as Beltre, Kipnis, and Crush Davis have possibility of regaining some shine. That nuisance Gardner will score 1000 runs if on the top of the stacked Yanks order while peeps love Taylor for a break out (me? not so much). That said it is surprisingly his pitching staff which gives me pause. The pen should be OK with Knebel and Hand but Nola, Wood, Bauer as 2-4 may be asking a lot…ahhh but there he is….Big Game Timmy Jim here to save the OB’s (gulp) Will Max and this motley staff give enough to get the now broke Mike in contention for the free eats he needs?!? **Prediction:** Top Third. I think so. Easily the team that I changed the most on since the drunken haze of draft day. ===\\
-Tangled Upton Blue: === 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? I would rate my draft on a scale from 1 to 10. 2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?    I'm stoked about Giancarlo Stanton. I really thought Vig was gonna take him. I hope he's healthy, hits 100 HRs and then goes 0-16 against the Mets in the World Series. Changed? Hmmm… JT Realmuto. Because, ya know? Buster Posey. 3) Whose team are you most impressed with? Gallagher's? …I'm just kidding. They're terrible. 4) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!? I believe his tooth story, but if you google "What happened to Fatone?", this is what you get… ===  = Joey Fatone - Wikipedia ====  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Fatone  In August 2014 Fatone hosted the family reality series, Parents Just Don't Understand, seen on the Hub Network, which was later re-branded as Discovery Family. In 2015, Fatone made a couple of appearances as himself in The Jack and Triumph Show. 5) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules? As someone who was told by the Commish that he was taking the longest this year, I say a hearty "NO!" 6) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft? Walking out to have a cigarette just as it was about to be my turn and hearing, "Neglecting your responsibilities, Donald. You're already a terrible father!" Its a toss up between that and the Commish realizing for the first time that there are abandoned factories in LIC. 7) Anything To Say to your competitors? I love you all. READ A BOOK!!!  === Commish’s Take: === **“Holding his fucking own”** I am intrigued by Don’s team more than any other in Rockem this year, well except my own, no, scratch that, I am still more interested in Don’s. I have mentioned the projections a few times already in this preview but I asked John to send me over his robot’s guesses because I was kinda shocked at what Yahoo! was projecting. Then when I saw what those said…Jesus…could it be…does Don have a good squad?!?! Stanton is probably the key to this, does he hit 89 Hr’s or sit out with some fluke injury half the year? Is Sale winning the CY Young or will his second half from last year leak over? Donny literally could have the MVP and Cy Young with first two picks so the projections love him, but after that I need to question these mathematical formulas dressed up with pretty buttons and colors. Donaldson Murphy Pollock and I am just gonna guess Posey all have injuries to deal with but I assuming that’s why Donny took one from Wilson’s playbook and drafted JT Realmuto (McNally’s Bouncing Boy) to go the two catchers route…in the first nine rounds??! Can’t really make fun of his staff though, Sale Carrasco Cueto are a solid 1-2-3 and Osuna anchors a….wait he seriously only drafted one closer?!?! Isn’t that worse than his (and now Vig’s) no closer move?!? Woah. I do like some late picks with Eaton Franco Richards Stroman and Choo all possibly playing much larger dividends, but if the SS Sale and Stanton Aircraft Carrier springs the smallest leak I see Tangled Upton sinking into the deep blue of Rockem… **Prediction: **Bottom Third. Here is where me and the robots duke it out rockem style to see who is right…programs or drunk emotional commishes. === Spearmint Rhinos: === 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? A 7.5 on the diabetes sugar test (3-5.5 is healthy). For I spent the entire draft fielding questions about whether or not I had Parkinsons Disease. Bull started it. Tom later leapt on with comparisons to Michael J. Fox, and so it goes. "One-Foot-in-the-grave Wilson," and all that. I was shakin worse than Jack White. The night before, rather than eating food, I arrived in The Big Apple and didn't take a bite, but instead immediately met the Commissioner in midtown and tied one on. Then, instead of dinner, we went to Billymarks and doubled the knot. The next morning, instead of inviting me to breakfast, like women do, the Commissioner instructed me to meet him back at Billymarks for a beer. Then I went to Long Island City and started drinking. In consequence, the early hours of the draft are a casserole of faint memories of sticking to a plan I never made while desperately trying to hold a jumping pen still and sign baseballs, like post-cirrhosis Mickey Mantle. In short, I don't think this was the draft that gave me Parkinsons. I think this was the draft that gave me Diabetes. And here's the thing…totally worth it. Most of the time when I return from Rockem the diseases I'm worried about are not treatable. Instead, all that nerve-frayed shaking rounded up to my all-time-favorite draft roster. I haven't heard of 90% of my players. Who the hell is the wonderful and unstoppable Tim Anderson? Who drafted him? The shakes! That's who. And between having my best-performing pitching staff to date (two weeks in, anyway), despite not having drafted a pitcher early, I'm thrilled. This very well may be the fantasy draft equivalent of The Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant–in that nobody lays it out like a dying man. 2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed? Aaron Judge. I thought he would be off the board much sooner (and now I'm seeing why he wasn't), but cest la vies. There's double the fun when you pin success to a Yankee. As for regrets, when will I learn about Ryan Zimmerman (possibly the same time I learn about Ian Kinsler). 3) Whose team are you most impressed with? Don's. Either, of course, but actually McNallys. I think his team's got legs this year. He took a Winstonian amount of time on a few of those picks. We'd start to habitually yell at Jeff, only to spot an empty seat and then look over to see Don frantically staring at a computer screen, belaboring critical decisions. That happens when people get pregnant. Critical decisions come slower, sex gets better, you start stressing over space and color schemes like some coked-up interior designer from the 80s, and undergirding every thought is the notion that some erections can cost you upwards of a half-million dollars. That changes a man. It upends his thinking. And if one's Rockem team has historically been a loser, it follows that screwy hormones will change one's approach and foster a winner. You want to turnaround your Rockem team? Knock somebody up. (For further reading, see Birdie). 4) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!? He stopped into a church, he passed along the way. He got down on his knees, and he began to pray. California dreaming. In truth I can't say what happened to Fatone. Inference, in his lone case, would only insult the possibilities and undoubtedly come up short. For I know what happens when I'm with Fatone. We all do. Sit on that for a minute. What happens when he doesn't make it is likely the stuff that would make Hunter S. stay in for the night. 5) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules? Under no circumstances. Time is a false construct–a total fabrication and arbitrary tool of measurement–and Rockem, like baseball, lives nearer to the Gods precisely because we don't recognize its value. We are not fickle, empty-headed millennials with hummingbird brains. We are the last children of the cold war. We will wait decades if we must for either total annihilation or an international shoulder shrug, because that's who we are. Our league is better than yours, so are our lives, and to put a clock on any of it would be no less than to become like all of them. You've seen them. You know who I'm talking about. They are the lonely, disenfranchised peasants who poke their heads in our draft room as the sun slips and darkness creeps over Queens and they invariably ask "What's going on in here?" They will never, ever, understand. Not any of it. And I have no interest in understanding them, or reflecting their approach to the world. No clocks. No rules. 6) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft? When the draft got held up because I was talking to Don and Mike about musical theater, and in a snap-draft-pick consequently ended up with Fernando Rodney on my team. 7) Anything To Say to your competitors? You will be having the victory dinner this year in Washington, DC, at an establishment called Archibalds. Fair warning, it has no champagne room. However–and to paraphrase the study tapes my mother once bought me in middle school–"Where there is a will, there is a way. And where there is a will, there is an A (which stands for Archibalds, where I will see you on the first weekend of December)." === Commish’s Take: === **“Who would argue that the venue was the cause of these happy memories, nor the bill of fare? The bitter coffee, the rancid bacon, those stale biscuits that were tomb and grave to so many insects. No, gentlemen, it was the meandering conversation, the lingering with men of character - some of whom are walking with me now - that was such pleasure to experience, and such a joy now to recall.”** The man never took his coat off. Sure it was a chilly day in Long Island City unless you sat in the corners under the heat vents, but the MAN NEVER TOOK HIS COAT OFF! Creepy. Always ready to bolt. Did he know something we didn’t? Sitting by himself the sad tomato dug into drafting, even if he has no idea about anyone except Rockies and Yankees… Well look at that Blackmon and Judge 1-2. Guess he doesn't need to know much more. In all seriousness if this was 2017 the Campbell's Soup Kid would have won. Thank jehovah 2017 is over! (there's a catch phrase) but adding a solid Abreu, a potential superstar in Seager, and a possible break out in Rosario the Chief Beef may be onto something here. Ahh but old habits die hard and old names are tough not to call out in a draft room. Sally Perez? Kinsler? Zimmerman (Wilson’s Bouncing Boy) returns home, drafts Pham high but are those stats repeatable? Perhaps the most interesting thing is Wilsons one man closer run. This could make him very active on the trading blocks (looking at you two McNally and Vig). Then again he may need a starter more if Lester, Price, Porcello and Sabathia all pitch their age… **Prediction: **Top Third. Somehow I think this team sneaks into the fight for free eats…I am not quite sure how…but I think there is a bit of magic here. Now the real question, will Eben take off his jacket at dinner? === Honey Nut Ichiros === 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? 9 out of 12, same as my draft position. I'm going to have to manage the shit out of this team to 3 peat. 2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed? Happy to get turner and betts with my first two picks as I had them both in the top 9 in my rankings. probably a few i should have changed, will let you know in a month 3) Whose team are you most impressed with? Eben, impressed with the closer drafting strategy….lets see if it pans out this year 4) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!? He needed to change his draft strategy so he stayed home to let his kids make his picks for him. 5) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules? Fine with a shot clock, but could push us to doing online drafts….is that the direction we want to go? Maybe we implement NFL rules, after two minutes the next guy can select and so on. Also need a place with better wifi, too many issues this year 6) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft? Pre-draft Bloody Mary's with BK, constant complaining about no wifi signal, catching up with everyone 7) Anything To Say to your competitors? "In order to be the man, you need to beat the man" - Ric Flair === Commish’s Take: === **“Men of a certain caliber can not allow fastidious morality to distract them from the exigencies of commerce can they?”** Birdie is creeping up on BK and the championship bat that Bull pulled out of his pants when we were all watching, him with meat in our mouths…suck on that…Wait. Don’t. Birdie’s run is super impressive. But it ends here….OR DOES IT?!?!? Trea Turner is the only real wild card in the first round, 30/60 or meh and a broken foot or whatever. Bridie took that gamble and then had Mookie Betts fall back to him. Pretty unreal luck for the defending defending champ. That luck doesn't necessarily last but the man kept pluggin’ away. On the bat side stocking up on reliable Poor Poor Pittful EE, non-sexy Seager, Braun, Jones, Carpenter. This isn’t going to set any brothels on fire…but…it is going to put up consistent numbers. Schoop, also has all-star waiting to happen…hmmm. On the arm side of things, Severino is a K machine, Quintana (Birdie’s Bouncing Boy) has a full year on the Northside, Cole gets a change of scenery in Houston. That’s a lot of wins on those teams. His bullpen must be lacking then…ugh, Kimbrel, Cam Bed and Natty Light Jones, not an awful collection of closers…in fact… **Prediction**: Top Third. Bird is in the hunt for free eats and a threepeat (great now I owe Pat Riley money). === Acuna Tabata: === 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? On the scale of Rockem members, I’d rate my draft Tom Gallagher. 2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?    Harper falling to me at 10, here’s to hoping for that historic season. Didn’t love not having a 1B in round 5 and took Sano? Perhaps a panic pick. 3) Whose team are you most impressed with? Feels like the league parity gets stronger every year. Vig is getting better at this. I can’t say the same. 4) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!? Knocked up Stephanie last year. Didn’t want to face that mess. Don’t blame him. 5) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules? Think if I had a chess clock, I took a collective 15 mins (TOPS!) this year. Possibly my quickest draft ever. You want to make it faster? Ban smoking. 6) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft? Drafting “the entire Jewish race”. Pretty good upside/value pick that late. And Don’s stab at responsibility. Those baseballs are pretty sweet. And Tom yelling at Shawn for reasons I couldn’t discern. 7) Anything To Say to your competitors? How much is your electric bill? === Commish’s Take: === **“Gold is every man's opportunity. Why do I make that argument? Because every defect in a man and in others way of taking him, our agreement that gold has value gives us power to rise above.”** Jeffe gets married and all of a sudden no bagels? Coincidence? Yes. The big tipper made Stephanie happy before we even got started in LIC Bar but that is how he rolls; when he is out, he is all out. That full throttle mentality not only goes to his partying, his tipping and his out of control driving skills, but also his drafting. Back to back sexy for 1-2 with possible MVP’s in both leagues taken down. Machado and Harper, Winston will have his eye on the beltway for more than just pornstar scandals this summer. While 1 and 2 are unimpeachable (hopefully unlike the current regime) there are some questionable moves pretty quick in the draft order. Has Bregman fully arrived? (I think so) Can Ozuna (Jeff’s Bouncing Boy) replicate last year or will he be sent to the minors again? (somewhere in between) Will Sano be in Prison? (maybe) Is Odor the MVP level 2016 player or the cut-able 2017 version? (I think closer to last year) Can Gallo bat above Mendoza? (Barely) Who the fuck is Ozzie Albers? (A Wuzzle) With all those question marks on the offensive side you would think he went saf…HAHA! You don’t know Winston! Gambling with Arms as well, Is Martinez a true Ace for a fantasy staff? (meh) Can Castillo come into his own on a crap team? (double meh) Will Lance stay healthy? (I See two DL stints) Can Jeff find playing time for the 13 fucking starters he drafted?!?! (wait what?!?!?) 13?!?! That has to be some sort of record…13…Unlucky…. **Prediction:** Middle Third When a team has this many question marks it usually answers about half…placing him in the middle. === NOLA Crawdaddies: === 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? On the grand cosmic scale of the universe, my team is less than .0000000000000000000001 of anything that remotely matters. That is refreshing, knowing how small the Daddies are…yet they are still going to be bigger and better than the rest of you yokels. 2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?    Stoked: Actually many, love I get to root for Yo and Puig and think I got both for great value. The steal for me (hopefully) was Schwarber. I think he wins the The Edwin Encarnacion Elation award this year. If you don’t know what that is READ A BOOK! Or the brand spanking new site! Changed? Well That Ian Desmond pick seems a weee bit early. Could change him with Gallo, Seager, Lester, Cain… basically anyone who came directly after. 3) Whose team are you most impressed with? READ A B…Oh wait I used that joke already. Keep reading this preview, you got this far already. 4) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!? The draft was Fatty’s' epic poetic turning of his 16-year struggle to win Rockem after the Trojan War. Fatty battled mythical creatures while dealing with family and facing the wrath of the god. His wife Liz along with his son Hank (and daughter Sofie) strove to stave off sexy suitors vying for Liz’s hand and Manhattan Beach’s' throne long enough for Fatty to return. It’s been a Odyssey indeed. 5) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Absolutely not. It is the one thing I look forward to with giddy anticipation every year. Besides, we couldn’t do this for Rockem 18, do they even have clocks out in Manhattan Beach? I thought LA just ran on sunshine, silicon and douchebags…both kinds. 6) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft? The whole damn thing. I may have mentioned it elsewhere in the preview, but I am just amazed that this thing continues to roll on. I love you guys. 7) Anything To Say to your competitors? Nothing. This whole preview was written by Russian Spambots paid for by Birdie so he can win the league again. Since he has some time on his hands and I shit all over his team during the draft, here comes Oceans Blyleven’s owner Mike Ryniec with the Guest Preview of the Commish’s Squad:**“That dropped eye of yours looks like the hood on a cunt to me Jack. When you talk your mouth looks like a cunt moving.”** ===  Mike Ryniec Guest Preview: === The older I get, the more I realize that there are very few good things and very few bad things in life. Mostly, it’s just how you look at all of it. The jagerbomb is either half full… or… you probably put too much red bull in it. But I digress. So how do I see Shawn’s team? I see it like this, of course! PREVIEW: Was that a draft? The Commish really outdid himself this time… Perennial single category contributor Dee Gordon in the 3rd round. Yikes! I love SB’s as much as the next guy but you can get them from folks who can also fill up the stat sheet in other meaningful ways. Follow that up with one-year-wonders like Justin Smoak and a non-C eligible Kyle Schwarber to round out an overall ho-hum squad.  https://media.giphy.com/media/iW8tsoJWcfPc4/giphy.gif  How about that pitch… Justin Verlander’s renaissance was a delight last year, particularly in the postseason, but 4th round seems early… way early. After Greinke, we get to the likes of Michael Wacha and Chase Anderson? Oof! Gonna be some kinda year for Shawnee. PREDICTION: Bottom Third. Dare I say, last in the whole crazy thing. OR! maybe it looks like this…. PREVIEW: Was that a draft! The Commish really outdid himself this time… The opening back-to-back bats will be a race to the NL MVP – Bryant and Rizzo are ridiculous enough WITHOUT that 2B eligibility on Tony! Getting monster stats from a tough position, always a plus. Follow that up with players finally putting it all together like Trevor Story and the sexiest man alive Yasiel Puig to round out an overall woop-woop squad. https://media.giphy.com/media/bznNJlqAi4pBC/giphy.gif How about that pitch… Doolittle and Davis are tops, with Andrew Miller along for supreme ratios and a vulture save or two for good measure. Maybe more if Cody Allen slips at some point. Watch out! Gonna be some kinda year for Shawnee. PREDICTION: Top Third. Dare I say, first in the whole crazy thing. * this review inspired by my top-notch analysis of Giancarlo Stanton definitely going anywhere between the first and seventh picks. In our league? Who the heck can predict anything! Thanks Mike for the non-committal. **Commish Prediction**: Top Third, I like these guys and think they got a real shot. (insert Major league they're still shitty here)  === Dogzilla: === 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? I’m excited to see how this plays out. I’ve got a younger squad than normal, a little more pitch heavy than I’m used to, need to cut a couple and find some additional bats. 2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed? Stoked about landing Ohtani and following his first year in the majors. Archer I think may drive me nuts and prob could have done better with that pick, hope he lights it up. 3) Whose team are you most impressed with? I like Don’s chances this year, solid squad on both sides of the ball. Overall though all teams look pretty even and nobody jumps out as the favorite. 4) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!? I’ll bring a doctor's note to the dinner 5) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules? No way, I felt like this was shorter than recent drafts. Maybe that’s because I was hopped up on drugs and feeling fine but it felt like everyone kept it moving this year. 6) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft? Pacing around the living room hoping my guy wouldn’t be snapped up, Liz wondering what the fuck I was doing 7) Anything To Say to your competitors? Good luck peeps === Commish’s Take: === **“Any chance you and me don't end in blood?”** It is unfortunate Fatone couldn’t swing east this year with last minute major mouth injuries. Not sure if he sent all of you the pic of the tooth but is was gnarly…not as gnarly as his feet but I digress…gross. Drafting from home must be a weird thing for Don on one hand it is hours with the kids on the other he gets to be away from us…seriously you would think he would have a MUCH better squad. Maybe he over thinks it, maybe it’s maybelline. I have no idea where I am going with this as I wrote this full preview in one sitting and I am running out of steam as my back is barking. Let’s go to the vicodin/videota..picks! Kluber Correa. At the snake you need to dig in and go for it. Fatty did just that with a possible AL Cy Young and MVP combo then turned around and went the other white meat doubling up on Dozier and Rhys…Rhys was high on a lot of draft boards but will he produce to this level? Hmmm. Other bats that have promise….scrolling…scrolling…scrolling… umm Mazara? Maybe Thames? Wow this is a change of pace, Fatty is usually super bat heavy went the other direction this year. Kluber Archer Hamels have potential to challenge Tom for the best big three if Cole is back in form while Riverio and Iglesias add up to a decent bullpen. This preview started with me pinning Vig’s hopes on Bellinger, I will end it by saying I think Fatty’s team is tied to Whit Merrifield (Fatone’s Bouncing Boy). If he matches last year or even exceeds I think Fatty has a shot for free eats…but I am not betting on it. **Prediction: **Middle Third. Just don’t see enough stick from the Left Coast Guinea. Yahoo Rankings: So now Yahoo does their own predictions, You can see the full info here but I broke it down and added it up below: {{:rockempred.png?nolink&980x398}}Yahoo thinks the Best O: JV, Moon, Worst O, BK, SPD Yahoo thinks the Best P: BK (a lot), D Mac Worst P: Bull (by a lot), Bird Yahoo predictions: 96 Tangled Upton Blue\\
+During the 17th year of Rockem we were lucky enough to have our draft fall on the 17th day of the 3rd month so St. Patrick was looking over all of us. Who will have the luck of the Irish on their side this year? Wait a second…famine’s, crushing religious rule, civil war, alcoholism, pasty skin, small dicks, no rhythm….what fucking luck do my people have? So instead, here is hoping all of you have Kip Wingers luck…**{{:kip-winger-e4e936be-ff5a-484e-87d7-5fec23e9259-resize-750.jpeg?nolink&400x551|kip-winger-e4e936be-ff5a-484e-87d7-5fec23e9259-resize-750.jpeg}}**
+Jesus Mary and Joseph he is handsome. Truth for a second, I love that we can be 17 fucking years into this nonsense and still get together to do this. I was vibrating on Saturday morning I was so excited. Draft day is special, you are all special, now read along while I rip apart your shitty squads.
+As always I am just dealing with your team as of the draft with my takes; I can’t keep track if you picked up Johnny Hotnuts or slipped the tongue to Malcolm McVultureSave. I am also doing this before I read your response to any of my questions, any connection is just serendipitous. So in Draft Order…
+=== Bone Droppers: ===
+. Great!!!!! I was happy to get some time with Moon and Bird. The draft was cool too.
+. Stoked about trout because why not? Juan minaya was a stupid pick
+. Mcnally
+. Fatone and his brorhers were curb stomping each other for fun
+. That would be nice.
+. Dons baseball gifts for sure.
+. See you soon god willing!!!!
+//(Editors note: These were the last answers received on 4/12….) //
+=== Commish’s Take: ===
+**“Do not put unauthorized cinnamon on the goddamn meeting table! That's all the fuck we need” **
+Well last year JV went Varsity and just missed out on a top three finish, but if he is looking to the past he may want to look higher. Birdie pulled off a few surprising events including becoming the first person in Rockem History to win while drafting in the top spot, can Vig repeat the effort? Hahaha….nooooo….Oh wait I mean, Sure Vig has a shot. 1 in 12, if you like those odds… I kid because I care, About what I have no idea…
+{{:rodney.gif?200x200}}
+At the end of this preview you are going to see a few projected finishes in the league using apps, Yahoo!’s Rankings and my own dumb thoughts. Yahoo in particular loves Vig’s offense, and since we’ve all heard about his big stick, maybe this is the year he swings it well. Trout first was a semi surprise as Stanton seemed like a real possibility so he could combine reality and fantasy. With old (semi) reliables like Cano, Bruce, and Arreita combined with some young upside of Devers, Ray and Domingo Santana his base looks fairly solid.
+I am going to pin Jay’s season on one guy though. If Cody Bellinger takes the next step to superstar I think Vig has a real shot, I literally don’t know if he will (obviously) but I just feel he is going to be the tell-tale player of the Italian Stallions. Also I need to buy Vig a Freddie Freeman (Vig’s Bouncing Boy…don’t worry, you all get one) jersey as he always drafts him, speaking of people he always drafts, his patented drunken yankee run was sidelined this year by a 20 year old that needed attention…She also took his attention away from drafting anyone who saves…well he has already hooked up with her, so closing was the last thing on his mind.
+**Prediction: **Middle Third. I think a few things come together for Vig, others don’t. He finds himself mid pack.
+=== The Chickle Tickles: ===
+) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
+With about 70% less enthusiasm than Mike made with his first pick.
+) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?
+Tim Beckham at the end. Should have changed Altuve. I was happy when i took him but my team is now loaded with 15 Hr. 15 SB guys Vig should have taken Stanton…..so I would have changed his pick
+) Whose team are you most impressed with?
+Let’s go with Mike
+) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!?
+Too much tranny pie
+) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules?
+Or we could just stay in the same room
+) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft?
+Well its the first time an entire Race was drafted. it would certainly be shameless if everyone doesn’t have a mention of their baseballs and how upcoming fatherhood is making Don McNally unrecognizable.
+) Anything To Say to your competitors?
+I know Fatty had a medical issue but perhaps we should get Wilson checked out . HIs signature on my baseball clearly looks like early onset Parkinson’s
+=== Commish’s Take: ===
+**“I've been known to cut the odd fart, but they've never stunk”**
+Last year I insulted Bull about always drafting white guys…so of course this year he over compensates with two Mexicans in the first round (checks notes) uhhh I mean err…brown people. The Altuve is a no brainer and ‘perts love Ramirez (I’m no ‘pert but still not sold). In order to lord over those tiny minorities he snagged the Norse God to bring the thunder or lightning…I always hated Thor in comics…the dude is a god, what the fuck is doing stopping robbers in silly masks?!?
+{{:disappointed_gif_by_themischiefmonster-d7ej23k.gif}}
+The thing is Bull better hope Syndergaard is God-like because really I can’t find the rest of his staff, Smarzjzida?! He is still starting? Gausman? Shoemaker? Drafting Britton (Bull’s Bouncing Boy) even when he is on the 60 Day DL? Is this a staff or a wilted twig? True, he has a few closers, but not enough to raise the bar on this motley crew, and that’s not just me talking, Yahoo! Thinks this is the worst P in the league by a lot. So with a staff this limp, he must be jacked on the O side (checks notes) uhh…. Martin, McCutchen, Lamb, Mancini, even Hosmer and Upton…I see a ton of ??? in this lineup. Perhaps it was the lack of bagels and lox, but Bull’s team seems off this year to me….maybe next year bring back the Whites Only policy.
+{{:74ct.gif?nolink&200x111|Bull's Team President}}
+**Prediction:** Bottom Third. Every team is close we can all win..yadda yadda…but I think Bull needs a ton to fall his way to get in the free eats conversation…then again he usually stops checking his team in August so what does it matter?
+=== The Pine Taaars: ===
+) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
+Using Mohs Hardness scale I think my team is Topaz but could drop as low as Calcite. With a little help I'll hopefully be lounging in side by side bathtubs by the end of the year.
+) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?
+Stoked about getting Lindor finally. I also think Yonder Alonso could be a steal in the 21st round. In retrospect the pick I should have changed is Greg Bird. Mostly I didn't love most of my picks but didn't hate any either. We'll see.
+) Whose team are you most impressed with?
+I never say mine. Fuck it…mine!
+) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!?
+Too many years of smoking meth caught up with him and his teeth are starting to fall out of his head. Expect this to be an annual tradition.
+) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules?
+The draft was long but we didn't have anyone disappearing for rounds at a time doing shots. As long as that's the case, let it go as long as it need to (except for applying a strict 2 minute time limit on all of Jeff's picks).
+) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft?
+Wilson sitting by himself with zero draft material and still drafting a halfway decent team.
+) Anything To Say to your competitors?
+I'll be picking dinner this year. Also…suck it.
+=== Commish’s Take: ===
+**“Well, if this is His will, Reverend, He is a son of a bitch!”**
+The always outspoken Gallagher had to speak a lot this draft, reminding everyone who was taken multiple times, only moments after saying, again and again, huh…maybe we really need a draft board…ahh no one would read that anyway. Pizza Tosser went to the thin air of the ‘Rado instead of the humidor in the desert for Nolan and he is beefy….and he better be a full god damn cattle herd because that is the only pure power guy on the Taaars. Rockem Sockem’s starting Second baseman's plan was to draft a lot of guys who could kinda do it all, Lindor being the captain but also seeing Bientendi, Andrus, ummm Dejong? Asvaislslsd Garcia? Who are these guys…sure 15/15 might be in play for all, but who cares?
+{{:ab27ae1ee53b4e7c27576b2fb4702531.gif?nolink&250x192|Tom IS Sophia}}
+Thank god he went heavy on arms. DeGrom (Tom’s Bouncing Boy), Darvish, Tanaka are the best three in Rockem with Chatwood on the verge of bursting into that group. The RP’s look really well lined up, legit as can be before opening day closers for decent teams, maybe some of them can hit? It seems a toss up as to who has the speediest team Bull or Tom…unfortunately I see that as a race to the bottom.
+**Prediction: **Bottom Third. If some of his late veteran fliers (CarGonzoBeans and Pujols) re-emerge maybe a shot or his pitching carries the day…but what are the odds on that?
+{{:giphy.gif?300x127}}
+=== ephedraheartstoppers: ===
+) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
+Bagel-less. I mean for real. Jeff had set the precedence for years and then just stops without telling anyone? Its like if Vig decided not to get drunk and fall asleep or Wilson started pronouncing players names correctly. I just don't know what to think anymore. Also, I spent most of the time texting picks to toothless Don, so really had to pay attention. Should have just gotten blind drunk with the rest of you.
+) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?
+Bunch of Cubs, Contreras, Happ and Hendricks. Gives me something to talk to people at work about. Basically the second half of my draft is a hot, boring mess. Maybe LoMo is a value pick at 213, but probably not.
+) Whose team are you most impressed with?
+Rhinos. Just for the fact that it allowed for the Blackmon before the Judge joke. That and the one man closer run. Its a last place team, but impressed nonetheless.
+) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!?
+Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgury
+) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules?
+As time goes on and we have less time on this earth, the hours we have left should be spent doing the things we have enjoyed most. I for one covet this time and see no reason to rush to the end. Lets enjoy it while we still can. (This does not apply to McNally, he should pick faster)
+) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft?
+Tom and Shawn spitting fire at each other. Never change.
+) Anything To Say to your competitors?
+Read a book
+=== Commish’s Take: ===
+**“I see you got your big fucking knife there, and hidden on your persons you probably got some pussified shooting instrument but I am good at first impressions and you are a fucking cunt. I doubt you fought many men, maybe not even one”**
+b, 1b! Will it be the new trend?!? Moon sure locked up the position with Goldie and Votto. Avg RibEye’s and OPS are pretty solid after two rounds so it is a plus and looking down Moon’s draft sheet it is impressive. Stras is an ace (even if anyone who owns him wishes he was a little better) Yelich Wilson Happ and Taylor looked poised to break out and Davis is 40 HR locked. Yahoo!’s projections also dig Moon’s Offensive ranking it second behind Vig’s. Huh, this is over, Moon’s got a great team def finishing Top Th…oh wait, there were how many rounds left after he drafted Happ?!? Yikes…not sure if the whiskey took hold, he was texting too much with Fatty or he was focusing on the twins amazing double block in basketball?
+{{:2blox.0.gif?nolink&333x187|I am sure It was better than this.}}
+In looking at picks 10-24 there are a lot of ummm oooooohhhh-k’s in there. Besides Colome and maybe Marwin it seems like a total crap shoot. Granted if Yelich Wilson Taylor and Happ all bust out raw like sushi he won’t need the likes of Souza jr, Moustakas (Moon’s Bouncing Boy), Gio, Kepler or Hader…but he better hope they do or he will need more whiskey, texts with fatty and amazing athletic feats from the twins to get him through the dog days of summer.
+{{:q2h7dqw.gif?nolink&300x162|Ha, this one got me.}}
+**Prediction**: Middle Third. A tale of two drafts. \
+=== C-Town Highpockets ===
+) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
+Like a first ride along the Grand Canyon. Seeing things from a different awe-struck point of view early on (no infield in first three rounds); then steady moments when the world seems in natural unison intermixed with stomach dropping excitement of a risky dip; … then I said screw it and jumped off the damn ledge.
+) One pick you were stoked about,
+"Were" being optimal since the draft. Was excited to see the Kershaw-Bumgarner experience. (No dice for a while). Maybe getting Justin Turner way later than I expected? (No dice for a while). Damn early draft! Matt Olson, I guess. The guy at the bar with an A's hat told Jeff he hits HRs. So, there's that.
+One you should have changed?
+Brandon Belt - I was mid leap off the cliff - embarrassingly called a bunch of taken names and forgot the 'sleepers' I had in mind there.
+) Whose team are you most impressed with?
+During draft, I found myself raising brows and saying, "Nice swing picks" when Jay had his snake. Afraid to say, though, Bird's team stands out.
+) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!?
+Frank: I bet it was the Diaz brothers. They got beef going back to the Sun Ray thing.
+Skinner: The butterfly did it. I'm telling you it was the butterfly!
+Valentine: It. Was. The. Dukes. It. Was. The. Dukes.
+) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules?
+No. No clocks in baseball. If everyone is conscientious -enough- to have three or four names in mind that they think will be there, we should only have a few "Give me a minute all my guys just went" moments, as opposed to "Who the Hell is up? Make a pick!" moments.
+) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft?
+The joy of sitting between two of my closest friends and their friendly banter.
+) Anything To Say to your competitors?
+I'll savor the bat; the boat seems far.
+=== Commish’s Take: ===
+**“Any more gunplay gets answered. You call the law in Sampson, you don't get to call it off just cause you're liquored up and popular on payday”**
+Drafting physically next to the champ is always a trip. No one sweats it out, second guesses or has so many guys taken that he had his eye on than BK. The Champ Is Here!
+<HTML><iframe width="560" height="315" src="https:www.youtube.com/embed/EuJbsF0yLfw" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe></HTML>
+(and awfully nervous)
+Seriously, Rockem 27 he will be drinking scotch and milk for his ulcer at this rate. On a side note, say what you will about Cena, but that is one of the top 5 entrance songs of all time. Essentially going pitch pitch with a JD Degree in-between BK locked down the west coast pitchers and CG’s (Update: whoops that Bum is broken again) so he waited on pitchers….and drafted a bunch of average? If BK doesn't get 12 in Avg I will be shocked with Turner (Update: whoops Red Beard is broken again) Rendon, DJ, Xander (BK’s Bouncing Boy), Belt and Didi…shockingly the most wanted man in Rockem this year. If Mig Cab (Placeholder for the future injury update) returns to form there is another 300 bat.
+Unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot of pop in ‘dem there bats. I see BK on the waiver wire/trading block a fair bit this year as he tries to make up for that. Also once you get past the big two in the rotation, things are a bit dicey, I know he is a good catholic and all, but Godley? I am not sold on Berrios, but do like the late grab of Salazar.The bullpen cart seems to be running on a bit of empty as well. It should be noted that when looking at Yahoo’s in house predictions below they hated BK’s Offense but gave him the best staff by a lot…so much so they put him in the top third. Do I agree?
+**Prediction**: Bottom Third. No. This team just doesn’t get me excited and he has to be on the bottom one of these years right?!?! (I know I know, slow and steady and he will probably eat for free, fucker)
+=== Ocean’s Blyleven: ===
+) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
+On a scale of how attractive Stephanie becomes as the day goes on, with 1 being noon and 10 being 3 A.M., my draft was about 11:30 in the evening.
+) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?
+I was psyched to get Adrian Beltre in the 9th round. I think last year’s poor numbers dropped him a bit too far. Or perhaps I was still riding my old man love of David Ortiz from a few years back. Nobody’s ever done. Speaking of Old Man Love! (gross) I was ready for Tim Lincecum as my last pick from the first round. Wanted to bookend my draft with over-the-top, promo-level, lead-ins! Less comedic, more strategic picks were there on the final swing for sure.
+) Whose team are you most impressed with?
+Heading into the draft I really thought you NEEDED one of the big 4 SP’s on the board to compete. As evident by my first round! Looking at the finished products though, I think some folks did nice jobs without ‘em. Jay Moon’s team looks solid. And can Birdie THREE-PEAT!?!?!? I think he can! Of the folks who got one of the big 4 – Kershaw and BK and The Klube and Fatone will be noisy fo’ sho’.
+) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!?
+Went to Key West by mistake.
+) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules?
+Never. I hope to see the drafts get longer. As the years roll by and we all spend less and less time with each another, what a marvelous opportunity to not look at a clock. And in an era where the game itself is being molested to fit into a speedier format for advertisers and millennials alike, we remain timeless. Rockem Sockem is pure baseball.
+) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft?
+Haha… Gotta be the balls! That gracious act by Donald McNally will forever be tied to Kip Winger and Rockem 17. All signatures were on POINT! Everybody walking around to get ‘em signed was GREAT! And I really loved when LINES started to form for people!?! So. Much. Fun.
+\\
+) Anything To Say to your competitors?
+Love you all. And, in case any of you missed it on draft day, I’m totally gonna get the first completely signed baseball when I head back west.
+=== Commish’s Take: ===
+**“It's the learning fuckin' nothin', Al, that keeps me young”**
+Do you really need to read this? Didn’t you hear me insult him all draft? This team sucss…wait a second…Maybe you should read this…as Bobby sang… <HTML><iframe width="560" height="315" src="https:www.youtube.com/embed/L9EKqQWPjyo" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe></HTML>
+Even though that song makes me think of Wilson every time I hear it, this year it pertains to Mike. During the draft it kinda became a bit, but when doing this preview I started to come around on the man’s squad…that sounds dirtier than it should. While the Max pick is still a tad shocking things seemed to fall into place after that. Sanchez Springer Cuz and Myers (Mike’s Bouncing Boy) will all put up numbers if they aren’t exactly sexy.
+HOWEVER…if your game is sexy (and mine certainly is) you can look to Baez, Moncada, Giolitto for some ohh la la…speaking of oh la la…. The crusty old vets even got a spot as Beltre, Kipnis, and Crush Davis have possibility of regaining some shine. That nuisance Gardner will score 1000 runs if on the top of the stacked Yanks order while peeps love Taylor for a break out (me? not so much). That said it is surprisingly his pitching staff which gives me pause.
+The pen should be OK with Knebel and Hand but Nola, Wood, Bauer as 2-4 may be asking a lot…ahhh but there he is….Big Game Timmy Jim here to save the OB’s (gulp) Will Max and this motley staff give enough to get the now broke Mike in contention for the free eats he needs?!?
+**Prediction:** Top Third. I think so. Easily the team that I changed the most on since the drunken haze of draft day.
+=== Tangled Upton Blue: ===
+) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
+I would rate my draft on a scale from 1 to 10.
+) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?
+I'm stoked about Giancarlo Stanton. I really thought Vig was gonna take him. I hope he's healthy, hits 100 HRs and then goes 0-16 against the Mets in the World Series. Changed? Hmmm… JT Realmuto. Because, ya know? Buster Posey.
+) Whose team are you most impressed with?
+Gallagher's? …I'm just kidding. They're terrible.
+) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!?
+I believe his tooth story, but if you google "What happened to Fatone?", this is what you get… === = Joey Fatone - Wikipedia ==== [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Fatone|https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Fatone]] In August 2014 Fatone hosted the family reality series, Parents Just Don't Understand, seen on the Hub Network, which was later re-branded as Discovery Family. In 2015, Fatone made a couple of appearances as himself in The Jack and Triumph Show.
+) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules?
+As someone who was told by the Commish that he was taking the longest this year, I say a hearty "NO!"
+) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft?
+Walking out to have a cigarette just as it was about to be my turn and hearing, "Neglecting your responsibilities, Donald. You're already a terrible father!" Its a toss up between that and the Commish realizing for the first time that there are abandoned factories in LIC.
+) Anything To Say to your competitors?
+I love you all. READ A BOOK!!!
+=== Commish’s Take: ===
+**“Holding his fucking own”**
+I am intrigued by Don’s team more than any other in Rockem this year, <del>well except my own</del>, scratch that, I am still more interested in Don’s. I have mentioned the projections a few times already in this preview but I asked John to send me over his robot’s guesses because I was kinda shocked at what Yahoo! was projecting. Then when I saw what those said…Jesus…could it be…does Don have a good squad?!?!
+{{:omg.gif?nolink&398x287}}
+Stanton is probably the key to this, does he hit 89 Hr’s or sit out with some fluke injury half the year? Is Sale winning the CY Young or will his second half from last year leak over? Donny literally could have the MVP and Cy Young with first two picks so the projections love him, but after that I need to question these mathematical formulas dressed up with pretty buttons and colors. Donaldson Murphy Pollock and I am just gonna guess Posey all have injuries to deal with but I assuming that’s why Donny took one from Wilson’s playbook and drafted JT Realmuto (McNally’s Bouncing Boy) to go the two catchers route…in the first nine rounds??!
+{{:q8ddw.gif?nolink&349x199}}
+Can’t really make fun of his staff though, Sale Carrasco Cueto are a solid 1-2-3 and Osuna anchors a….wait he seriously only drafted one closer?!?! Isn’t that worse than his (and now Vig’s) no closer move?!? Woah. I do like some late picks with Eaton Franco Richards Stroman and Choo all possibly playing much larger dividends, but if the SS Sale and Stanton Aircraft Carrier springs the smallest leak I see Tangled Upton sinking into the deep blue of Rockem…
+**Prediction: **Bottom Third. Here is where me and the robots duke it out rockem style to see who is right…programs or drunk emotional commishes.
+=== Spearmint Rhinos: ===
+) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
+A 7.5 on the diabetes sugar test (3-5.5 is healthy). For I spent the entire draft fielding questions about whether or not I had Parkinsons Disease. Bull started it. Tom later leapt on with comparisons to Michael J. Fox, and so it goes. "One-Foot-in-the-grave Wilson," and all that. I was shakin worse than Jack White. The night before, rather than eating food, I arrived in The Big Apple and didn't take a bite, but instead immediately met the Commissioner in midtown. Then, instead of dinner, we went to Billymarks. The next morning, instead of inviting me to breakfast, the Commissioner instructed me to meet him back at Billymarks for a beer. Then I went to Long Island City and had more. In consequence, the early hours of the draft are a casserole of faint memories of sticking to a plan I never made while desperately trying to hold a jumping pen still and sign baseballs, like post-cirrhosis Mickey Mantle. In short, I don't think this was the draft that gave me Parkinsons. I think this was the draft that gave me Diabetes. And here's the thing…totally worth it. Instead, all that nerve-frayed shaking rounded up to my all-time-favorite draft roster. I haven't heard of 90% of my players. Who the hell is the wonderful and unstoppable Tim Anderson? Who drafted him? The shakes! That's who. And between having my best-performing pitching staff to date (two weeks in, anyway), despite not having drafted a pitcher early, I'm thrilled. This very well may be the fantasy draft equivalent of The Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant–in that nobody lays it out like a dying man.
+) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?
+Aaron Judge. I thought he would be off the board much sooner (and now I'm seeing why he wasn't), but cest la vies. There's double the fun when you pin success to a Yankee. As for regrets, when will I learn about Ryan Zimmerman (possibly the same time I learn about Ian Kinsler).
+) Whose team are you most impressed with?
+Don's. Either, of course, but actually McNallys. I think his team's got legs this year. He took a Winstonian amount of time on a few of those picks. We'd start to habitually yell at Jeff, only to spot an empty seat and then look over to see Don frantically staring at a computer screen, belaboring critical decisions. That happens when people get pregnant. Critical decisions come slower, you start stressing over space and color schemes like some coked-up interior designer from the 80s, and undergirding every thought is the notion that some erections can cost you upwards of a half-million dollars. That changes a man. It upends his thinking. And if one's Rockem team has historically been a loser, it follows that screwy hormones will change one's approach and foster a winner. You want to turnaround your Rockem team? Knock somebody up. (For further reading, see Birdie).
+) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!?
+He stopped into a church, he passed along the way. He got down on his knees, and he began to pray. California dreaming. In truth I can't say what happened to Fatone. Inference, in his lone case, would only insult the possibilities and undoubtedly come up short. For I know what happens when I'm with Fatone. We all do. Sit on that for a minute. What happens when he doesn't make it is likely the stuff that would make Hunter S. stay in for the night.
+) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules?
+Under no circumstances. Time is a false construct–a total fabrication and arbitrary tool of measurement–and Rockem, like baseball, lives nearer to the Gods precisely because we don't recognize its value. We are not fickle, empty-headed millennials with hummingbird brains. We are the last children of the cold war. We will wait decades if we must for either total annihilation or an international shoulder shrug, because that's who we are. Our league is better than yours, so are our lives, and to put a clock on any of it would be no less than to become like all of them. You've seen them. You know who I'm talking about. They are the lonely, disenfranchised peasants who poke their heads in our draft room as the sun slips and darkness creeps over Queens and they invariably ask "What's going on in here?" They will never, ever, understand. Not any of it. And I have no interest in understanding them, or reflecting their approach to the world. No clocks. No rules.
+) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft?
+When the draft got held up because I was talking to Don and Mike about musical theater, and in a snap-draft-pick consequently ended up with Fernando Rodney on my team.
+) Anything To Say to your competitors?
+You will be having the victory dinner this year in Washington, DC.
+=== Commish’s Take: ===
+**“Who would argue that the venue was the cause of these happy memories, nor the bill of fare? The bitter coffee, the rancid bacon, those stale biscuits that were tomb and grave to so many insects. No, gentlemen, it was the meandering conversation, the lingering with men of character - some of whom are walking with me now - that was such pleasure to experience, and such a joy now to recall.”**
+The man never took his coat off.
+Sure it was a chilly day in Long Island City unless you sat in the corners under the heat vents, but the MAN NEVER TOOK HIS COAT OFF! Creepy. Always ready to bolt. Did he know something we didn’t? Sitting by himself the sad tomato dug into drafting, even if he has no idea about anyone except Rockies and Yankees… Well look at that Blackmon and Judge 1-2. Guess he doesn't need to know much more. In all seriousness if this was 2017 the Campbell's Soup Kid would have won. Thank jehovah 2017 is over! (there's a catch phrase) but adding a solid Abreu, a potential superstar in Seager, and a possible break out in Rosario the Chief Beef maybe onto something here.
+{{:maybe.gif?nolink&300x170}}
+Ahh but old habits die hard and old names are tough not to call out in a draft room. Sally Perez? Kinsler? Zimmerman (Wilson’s Bouncing Boy) returns home, drafts Pham high but are those stats repeatable? Perhaps the most interesting thing is Wilson's one man closer run. This could make him very active on the trading blocks (looking at you two McNally and Vig). Then again he may need a starter more if Lester, Price, Porcello and Sabathia all pitch their age…
+**Prediction: **Top Third. Somehow I think this team sneaks into the fight for free eats…I am not quite sure how…but I think there is a bit of magic here. Now the real question, will Wilson take off his jacket at dinner? or will he just wear his midtown uniform:
+{{:midtown_uni.jpeg?nolink&300x650|midtown_uni.jpeg}}
+=== Honey Nut Ichiros ===
+) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
+out of 12, same as my draft position. I'm going to have to manage the shit out of this team to 3 peat.
+) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?
+Happy to get turner and betts with my first two picks as I had them both in the top 9 in my rankings. probably a few i should have changed, will let you know in a month
+) Whose team are you most impressed with?
+Wilson, impressed with the closer drafting strategy….lets see if it pans out this year
+) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!?
+He needed to change his draft strategy so he stayed home to let his kids make his picks for him.
+) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules?
+Fine with a shot clock, but could push us to doing online drafts….is that the direction we want to go? Maybe we implement NFL rules, after two minutes the next guy can select and so on. Also need a place with better wifi, too many issues this year
+) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft?
+Pre-draft Bloody Mary's with BK, constant complaining about no wifi signal, catching up with everyone
+) Anything To Say to your competitors?
+"In order to be the man, you need to beat the man" - Ric Flair
+=== Commish’s Take: ===
+**“Men of a certain caliber can not allow fastidious morality to distract them from the exigencies of commerce can they?”**
+Birdie is creeping up on BK and the championship bat that Bull pulled out of his pants when we were all watching, him with meat in our mouths…suck on that…Wait. Don’t. Birdie’s run is super impressive. But it ends here….
+{{:jppi.gif?nolink&200x200}}
+OR DOES IT?!?!? Trea Turner is the only real wild card in the first round, 30/60 or meh and a broken foot or whatever. Bridie took that gamble and then had Mookie Betts fall back to him. Pretty unreal luck for the defending defending champ. That luck doesn't necessarily last but the man kept pluggin’ away. On the bat side stocking up on reliable Poor Poor Pittful EE, non-sexy Seager, Braun, Jones, Carpenter. This isn’t going to set any brothels on fire…but…it is going to put up consistent numbers. Schoop, also has all-star waiting to happen…hmmm.
+On the arm side of things, Severino is a K machine, Quintana (Birdie’s Bouncing Boy) has a full year on the Northside, Cole gets a change of scenery in Houston. That’s a lot of wins on those teams. His bullpen must be lacking then…ugh, Kimbrel, Cam Bed and Natty Light Jones, not an awful collection of closers…in fact…
+**Prediction**: Top Third. Bird is in the hunt for free eats and a threepeat (great now I owe Pat Riley money).
+=== Acuna Tabata: ===
+) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
+On the scale of Rockem members, I’d rate my draft Tom Gallagher.
+) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?
+Harper falling to me at 10, here’s to hoping for that historic season. Didn’t love not having a 1B in round 5 and took Sano? Perhaps a panic pick.
+) Whose team are you most impressed with?
+Feels like the league parity gets stronger every year. Vig is getting better at this. I can’t say the same.
+) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!?
+Knocked up Stephanie last year. Didn’t want to face that mess. Don’t blame him.
+) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules?
+Think if I had a chess clock, I took a collective 15 mins (TOPS!) this year. Possibly my quickest draft ever. You want to make it faster? Ban smoking.
+) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft?
+Drafting “the entire Jewish race”. Pretty good upside/value pick that late. And Don’s stab at responsibility. Those baseballs are pretty sweet. And Tom yelling at Shawn for reasons I couldn’t discern.
+) Anything To Say to your competitors?
+How much is your electric bill?
+=== Commish’s Take: ===
+**“Gold is every man's opportunity. Why do I make that argument? Because every defect in a man and in others way of taking him, our agreement that gold has value gives us power to rise above.”**
+Jeff gets married and all of a sudden no bagels? Coincidence? Yes. The big tipper made Stephanie happy before we even got started in LIC Bar but that is how he rolls; when he is out, he is all out. That full throttle mentality not only goes to his partying, his tipping and his out of control driving skills, but also his drafting. Back to back sexy for 1-2 with possible MVP’s in both leagues taken down. Machado and Harper, Winston will have his eye on the beltway for more than just pornstar scandals this summer. While 1 and 2 are unimpeachable (hopefully unlike the current regime) there are some questionable moves pretty quick in the draft order.
+{{:anchpor.gif?nolink&300}}
+Has Bregman fully arrived? (I think so) Can Ozuna (Jeff’s Bouncing Boy) replicate last year or will he be sent to the minors again? (somewhere in between) Will Sano be in Prison? (maybe) Is Odor the MVP level 2016 player or the cut-able 2017 version? (I think closer to last year) Can Gallo bat above Mendoza? (Barely) Who the fuck is Ozzie Albers? (A Wuzzle) With all those question marks on the offensive side you would think he went saf…HAHA! You don’t know Winston! Gambling with Arms as well, Is Martinez a true Ace for a fantasy staff? (meh) Can Castillo come into his own on a crap team? (double meh) Will Lance stay healthy? (I See two DL stints) Can Jeff find playing time for the 13 fucking starters he drafted?!?! (wait what?!?!?) 13?!?! That has to be some sort of record…13…Unlucky….
+**Prediction:** Middle Third When a team has this many question marks it usually answers about half…placing him in the middle.
+=== NOLA Crawdaddies: ===
+) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
+On the grand cosmic scale of the universe, my team is less than .0000000000000000000001 of anything that remotely matters. That is refreshing, knowing how small the Daddies are…yet they are still going to be bigger and better than the rest of you yokels.
+) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?
+Stoked: Actually many, love I get to root for Yo and Puig and think I got both for great value. The steal for me (hopefully) was Schwarber. I think he wins the The Edwin Encarnacion Elation award this year. If you don’t know what that is READ A BOOK! Or the brand spanking new site! Changed? Well That Ian Desmond pick seems a weee bit early. Could change him with Gallo, Seager, Lester, Cain… basically anyone who came directly after.
+) Whose team are you most impressed with? READ A Bo…Oh wait I used that joke already. Keep reading this preview, you got this far already.
+) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!?
+The draft was Fatty’s' epic poetic turning of his 16-year struggle to win Rockem after the Trojan War. Fatty battled mythical creatures while dealing with family and facing the wrath of the god. His wife Liz along with his son Hank (and daughter Sofie) strove to stave off sexy suitors vying for Liz’s hand and Manhattan Beach’s' throne long enough for Fatty to return. It’s been a Odyssey indeed.
+) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long?
+Absolutely not. It is the one thing I look forward to with giddy anticipation every year. Besides, we couldn’t do this for Rockem 18, do they even have clocks out in Manhattan Beach? I thought LA just ran on sunshine, silicon and douchebags…both kinds.
+) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft?
+The whole damn thing. I may have mentioned it elsewhere in the preview, but I am just amazed that this thing continues to roll on. I love you guys.
+) Anything To Say to your competitors?
+Nothing. This whole preview was written by Russian Spambots paid for by Birdie so he can win the league again.
+Since he has some time on his hands and I shit all over his team during the draft, here comes Oceans Blyleven’s owner Mike Ryniec with the Guest Preview of the Commish’s Squad:
+**“That dropped eye of yours looks like the hood on a cunt to me Jack. When you talk your mouth looks like a cunt moving.”**
+=== Mike Ryniec Guest Preview: ===
+The older I get, the more I realize that there are very few good things and very few bad things in life. Mostly, it’s just how you look at all of it. The jagerbomb is either half full… or… you probably put too much red bull in it. But I digress. So how do I see Shawn’s team? I see it like this, of course!
+PREVIEW: Was that a draft? The Commish really outdid himself this time…
+Perennial single category contributor Dee Gordon in the 3rd round. Yikes! I love SB’s as much as the next guy but you can get them from folks who can also fill up the stat sheet in other meaningful ways. Follow that up with one-year-wonders like Justin Smoak and a non-C eligible Kyle Schwarber to round out an overall ho-hum squad.
+{{:elnb.gif?nolink&337x388}}
+How about that pitch… Justin Verlander’s renaissance was a delight last year, particularly in the postseason, but 4th round seems early… way early. After Greinke, we get to the likes of Michael Wacha and Chase Anderson? Oof! Gonna be some kinda year for Shawnee.
+PREDICTION: Bottom Third. Dare I say, last in the whole crazy thing.
+OR! maybe it looks like this….
+PREVIEW: Was that a draft! The Commish really outdid himself this time…
+The opening back-to-back bats will be a race to the NL MVP – Bryant and Rizzo are ridiculous enough WITHOUT that 2B eligibility on Tony! Getting monster stats from a tough position, always a plus. Follow that up with players finally putting it all together like Trevor Story and the sexiest man alive Yasiel Puig to round out an overall woop-woop squad.
+{{:happy-dance-.gif?nolink&250x303}}
+How about that pitch… Doolittle and Davis are tops, with Andrew Miller along for supreme ratios and a vulture save or two for good measure. Maybe more if Cody Allen slips at some point. Watch out! Gonna be some kinda year for Shawnee.
+PREDICTION: Top Third. Dare I say, first in the whole crazy thing.
+* this review inspired by my top-notch analysis of Giancarlo Stanton definitely going anywhere between the first and seventh picks. In our league? Who the heck can predict anything!
+**Commish Prediction**: Top Third, I like these guys and think they got a real shot. (insert Major league they're still shitty here)
+=== Dogzilla: ===
+) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
+I’m excited to see how this plays out. I’ve got a younger squad than normal, a little more pitch heavy than I’m used to, need to cut a couple and find some additional bats.
+) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?
+Stoked about landing Ohtani and following his first year in the majors. Archer I think may drive me nuts and prob could have done better with that pick, hope he lights it up.
+) Whose team are you most impressed with?
+I like Don’s chances this year, solid squad on both sides of the ball. Overall though all teams look pretty even and nobody jumps out as the favorite.
+) Unfortunately we had a last minute cancellation and we all feel sorry for him, the draft was lesser because of his absence…but what really happened to Fatone??!?
+I’ll bring a doctor's note to the dinner
+) As we approach middle to late age for all of us…is the draft finally getting too long? Should we look into Pace of Draft rules?
+No way, I felt like this was shorter than recent drafts. Maybe that’s because I was hopped up on drugs and feeling fine but it felt like everyone kept it moving this year.
+) Favorite moment of Rockem 17 Draft?
+Pacing around the living room hoping my guy wouldn’t be snapped up, Liz wondering what the fuck I was doing
+) Anything To Say to your competitors? Good luck peeps
+=== Commish’s Take: ===
+**“Any chance you and me don't end in blood?”**
+It is unfortunate Fatone couldn’t swing east this year with last minute major mouth injuries. Not sure if he sent all of you the pic of the tooth but is was gnarly…not as gnarly as his feet but I digress…gross. Drafting from home must be a weird thing for Don on one hand it is hours with the kids on the other he gets to be away from us…seriously you would think he would have a MUCH better squad. Maybe he over thinks it, maybe it’s maybelline. I have no idea where I am going with this as I wrote this full preview in one sitting and I am running out of steam as my back is barking. Let’s go to the vicodin/videota..picks!
+<HTML><iframe width="560" height="315" src="https:www.youtube.com/embed/gn7VFeRoi7k" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe></HTML>
+Kluber Correa. At the snake you need to dig in and go for it. Fatty did just that with a possible AL Cy Young and MVP combo then turned around and went the other white meat doubling up on Dozier and Rhys…Rhys was high on a lot of draft boards but will he produce to this level? Hmmm. Other bats that have promise….scrolling…scrolling…scrolling… umm Mazara? Maybe Thames? Wow this is a change of pace, Fatty is usually super bat heavy went the other direction this year.
+Kluber Archer Hamels have potential to challenge Tom for the best big three if Cole is back in form while Riverio and Iglesias add up to a decent bullpen. This preview started with me pinning Vig’s hopes on Bellinger, I will end it by saying I think Fatty’s team is tied to Whit Merrifield (Fatone’s Bouncing Boy). If he matches last year or even exceeds I think Fatty has a shot for free eats…but I am not betting on it.
+**Prediction: **Middle Third. Just don’t see enough stick from the Left Coast Guinea.
+**Yahoo Rankings:** So now Yahoo does their own predictions, You can see the full info here but I broke it down and added it up below:
+{{:rockempred.png?nolink&980x398}}Yahoo thinks the Best O: JV, Moon, Worst O, BK, SPD
+Yahoo thinks the Best P: BK (a lot), D Mac Worst P: Bull (by a lot), Bird
+__**Yahoo Predictions** __ :
+Tangled Upton Blue\\
 The Spearmint Rhinos\\
 .5 ephedraheartstoppers\\
@@ Line 32: / Line 578: @@
 Acuna Tabata\\
 The Pine Taaars\\
-.5 The Chickle Tickles Birdie’s App also delivered some Predictions: Donny Mac 106.5 Birdhouse 105.5 Fatone 89 Eben 81.5 SPD 81.5 Mike 79 Bull 72 BK 68.5 Moon 68 Jay Vig 67.5 Tom 60 Jeff 57 And finally here are your friendly neighborhood Commish's Predictions, come back in October to see who is closest: 12. Bull 11. Tom 10. D Mac 9. BK 7. Fatone Moon Tie 6. Vig 5. Winston 4. Wilson 3. SPD 2. Mike 1. Bird
+.5 The Chickle Tickles
+Birdie’s App also delivered some Predictions:
+Donny Mac 106.5
+Birdhouse 105.5
+Fatone 89
+Eben 81.5
+SPD 81.5
+Mike 79
+Bull 72
+BK 68.5
+Moon 68
+Jay Vig 67.5
+Tom 60
+Jeff 57
+And finally here are your friendly neighborhood Commish's Predictions, come back in October to see who is closest:
+. Bull
+. Tom
+. D Mac
+. BK
+. Fatone Moon Tie
+. Vig
+. Winston
+. Wilson
+. SPD
+. Mike
+. Bird